Love Song: A Jason and Elizabeth Series
by khala
Summary: Stand alone songfics and a series of connected stories... just read! I suck at giving previews.
1. I'm Movin' On

_I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons  
Finally content with a past I regret  
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness  
For once I'm at peace with myself  
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long  
I'm movin' on  
  
After she tucked the picture of her and Emily into her bag, Elizabeth took one last look at her room above Kelly's. A room she'd called home for so long now that it actually felt like one. Looking at the bare walls and furniture, she wondered if she'd ever really lived here at all. Certainly, her studio was more of a 'home' than her room above Kelly's. Besides, she reasoned, she'd stayed in Lucky's room much more in the last year than her own.   
  
The calendar on her wall read February 21. Elizabeth closed her eyes briefly as she touched the necklace she always wore. She wondered if she'd always miss him this much. In the necklace was the only piece of the Italian glass she could salvage from the Valentine's Day gift Jason had given her. A gift she'd broken because of her anger and her refusal to accept that there was something wrong with Lucky.   
  
"Hard to believe it's been a year, Elizabeth," she said to the empty room.   
  
While she'd been on Sonny's island, she'd hoped Jason would come to her. She'd hoped she'd have a chance to make it right, but he never did. Then again, when she was in the hospital, fighting for her life, she thought maybe he'd come. But, he didn't come home when Emily was in her accident, and Elizabeth knew his feelings for her didn't compare to what he felt for his younger sister. When she'd visited Emily last month, the younger woman told her he was fine. That'd he'd been there until Elizabeth had called, then he promised to return after Elizabeth was gone.   
  
The pain on Emily's face while she told her what Jason said had nearly killed Elizabeth. But it didn't compare to the pain she felt in her heart at that moment. It was then that she began to realize exactly how much she'd given up for Lucky Spencer.   
  
But no more.   
  
No, she was moving on.  
  
__I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons  
Finally content with a past I regret  
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness  
For once I'm at peace with myself  
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long  
I'm movin' on  
  
Lucky took the stairs at Kelly's two at a time. Elizabeth had been discharged from the hospital, but he'd only just found it. It was Sarah who had told him, not Elizabeth. Which was curious to him. But what bothered him the most were the roses he'd brought her. She'd left them in the hospital room. As soon as he'd found Sarah, he'd grabbed the roses and took off for Kelly's.   
  
Stopping in front of her room, he listened for any kind of movement coming from inside. But there was nothing. Hesitantly, Lucky reached for the door knob and when it turned, he knew she was in there.   
  
"Elizabeth," he said even as he opened the door. The sight that greeted him was something he'd never be ready for.   
  
"Lucky," Elizabeth answered him. There was no emotion in her voice.   
  
"What's going on?" he asked. He looked around, the walls were bare, and the bed didn't have any covering. It didn't look like anyone lived there. And then he saw the suitcases packed up beside the chair and a letter lying on top of them. On the envelope it said __Lucky. "It looks like you were robbed, Elizabeth. Where's your stuff?"   
  
"In storage. Sonny's gonna send them to me when I get where I'm going."   
  
"I didn't realize we were leaving, Elizabeth. I don't understand, Port Charles is our home."   
  
"No," she disagreed. "Port Charles will always be your home and I'll always have a fond place for it in my heart, but it's not home. I'm not sure that I have a home."   
  
"What do you mean?" Lucky dropped the roses he'd brought from the hospital in the chair and sat down on her bed. "I don't like this, Elizabeth."   
  
She turned to face him, not really sure what she was supposed to say. How do you tell the person you've loved all of your life that you don't love them anymore? How do you tell them you haven't been in love with them in a long time.   
  
"I mean what I said, Lucky. I'm moving out. I'm moving on, away from Port Charles. Away from this life." __Away from you, she thought, but didn't say it.   
  
"Port Charles? This life?" he questioned. "Why does it sound like you're leaving forever?"   
  
"Because I am."   
  
"We __love each other, Elizabeth! You can't leave me!"   
  
"No," she corrected him, "I loved the boy that you were. I don't think I'm in love with who you are now."   
  
"I'm the same person," he argued. He grabbed her right hand and held the ring up so it reflected the light. "I'm the same person who put this ring on your finger, Elizabeth."   
  
"No, you're not. The boy who put that ring on my finger was young and sweet. He would have never made me give up a friend. But the man you are? You didn't think twice about it. I love you Lucky, I love who you were. But no, I'm not in love with you. And you're not in love with me either."   
  
"So that's what this is about, huh? Jason?" His voice rose, but he didn't care. "What'd he come riding back into town on his motorcycle, Elizabeth? Start whispering things in your ear, telling you how you should be your own person and all that."  
  
"That's not how it happened. You don't under–"  
  
"What I understand," he cut in, "is that you'd rather be Jason Morgan's __whore instead of my wife. I understand that, Elizabeth."   
  
"I've never been anyone's whore." Her voice was like ice as she fought to hold onto her temper. "I'll never be anyone's whore. And you were the person who didn't love me, Lucky. You didn't love me enough."   
  
"And you didn't love me at all," he retorted coldly. There was a voice in his head screaming at him that she was right. But the rejection and the hurt was too much to handle. All Lucky wanted to do was lash out. He wanted to hurt her like she'd hurt him. "It's always been Jason, hasn't it, Elizabeth? Did you laugh at me while you fucked him?"   
  
Her fist connected with his face before she had a chance to think about it. All she knew was that she'd never hated anyone more in her life. Not even Tom Baker. "Get out."   
  
"Oh, the truth hurts, doesn't it?" His hand reached up to touch where she'd hit him. Damn, Elizabeth had quite a right cross. He absently wondered where she'd learned to hit like that.   
  
"I never want to see you again, Lucas Lorenzo Spencer." Elizabeth picked the envelope up and shoved it and him towards the door. "Read this if you want to know the real reasons why I'm leaving. I'm sorry it turned out this way, Lucky. But please, get help."   
  
And then she slammed the door in his face.  
  
__I've lived in this place and I know all the faces  
Each one is different but they're always the same  
They mean no harm but it's time that I face it  
They'll never allow me to change  
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong  
I'm movin' on  
  
Elizabeth looked around the boxcar as she took each of the items in the shoe box and dropped them onto the fire. It was pictures of her and Lucky, her and Nikolas. But it wasn't really her, because she was happy then. The smile on her face wasn't the fake look she'd gotten so good at. In fact, she knew of only two people who could see through that smile. Sonny and…well, it hurt too much to think about the other person. Reaching up, she rubbed the smooth glass again and allowed herself one thought. And she chose to focus on where he was right now.   
  
"Probably with Emily," she said to herself.   
  
"Who's with Emily?" a voice behind her asked.   
  
Elizabeth spun around on her heal and smiled when she saw the older, alleged mobster standing there. "Jason," she said quietly. Much to her surprise, it didn't hurt when she said his name this time.   
  
"You're probably right," he agreed with her. "I didn't think you ever thought about him anymore."   
  
"Every day," she answered honestly. "How's Courtney?"   
  
"Very appreciative of you," Sonny told her. "I know how much it hurt you to tell the truth about Gia driving, but I really do appreciate it. I can never tell you how much my sister and I appreciate it."   
  
"All I did was tell the truth Sonny. I once had a friend who taught me that it was important to tell the truth no matter what."   
  
Sonny came closer to the boxcar and sat down on the edge. He patted the seat next to him and Elizabeth sat down. Sonny slung an arm loosely around her shoulder and hugged her. "I wasn't a very good friend to him the last time he was in town. I haven't been a very good friend to him in a long time, Elizabeth. But I know without a doubt that when I call, he'll come. You should know that too."   
  
"I don't have the right, Sonny. I walked away from him and I'm haunted with the look of disappointment he wore that afternoon. He'll never forgive me."   
  
"He already has, Elizabeth. Do you think I would have helped you fake your death had Jason not known about it? Jason and I don't keep secrets from each other, Elizabeth. That's not the way it works." Sonny turned so that he could see her eyes. In them he saw all the reasons his best friend loved the young woman. "Jason cares about you and once Jason cares, it's forever. You can't mess up so bad that he'll cut you out of his life. Elizabeth, I slept with the woman he thought he was in love with–"  
  
"But that turned out for the best," she cut in. "Jason didn't love Carly. And it hurt him, I know. But…but, he forgave you, Sonny. And Carly too."   
  
"How do you do that?" he asked. "Every time your name comes out of Carly's mouth, it's usually an insult. But you can still speak somewhat highly of her, no matter what she says about you."   
  
"You and Jason see something in her. There has to be something good there."   
  
Sonny nodded, not really wanting to talk about his wife. "So what now?"   
  
"I broke up with Lucky."   
  
"I know," he told her. "I was at Kelly's, looking for you. So I ask again, what now?"   
  
"I'm leaving."   
  
Sonny reached into his breast pocket and began to pull the bills from a gold clip. "Take this."   
  
"No, no." Elizabeth shook her head, pushing the bills back at him. "I don't want your money. I can make it on my own."   
  
"Consider it a loan," he insisted. Sonny folded the bills into her hand and refused to take them back. "You have my number?" When Elizabeth nodded, he said, "Call me if you need anything."   
  
Elizabeth slid off the boxcar and Sonny stood next to her. She hugged the man who'd treated her like family more often than her own family did. "I'll miss you, Sonny."   
  
"I'll miss you too, kiddo."   
  
"Goodbye."   
  
"No," he whispered into her hair. Sonny pulled back and placed a kiss on her forehead. "Not goodbye. I'll see you later, Elizabeth."   
  
Her eyes filled and Elizabeth didn't trust herself to speak. She wondered if Jason had told Sonny about their goodbyes. Shifting her backpack on her shoulder, Elizabeth turned and walked away.  
  
Sonny watched as she walked before he took out his cell phone and hit the first memory button. The phone rang three times before Jason answered.  
  
__I'm movin' on  
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me  
And I know there's no guarantee's, but I'm not alone  
There comes a time in everyone's life  
When all you can see are the years passing by  
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone  
  
The nurse in Emily's room glared at him when his cell phone rang. Emily had made up some lie about why he always had to have it on him to appease the hospital staff. Jason had stood by and grinned as he watched his baby sister weave her web.   
  
"Answer it," she told him, "it might be important."   
  
Jason nodded. Leaving her bedside, Jason stepped into the hall. "Hello?"   
  
__She's leaving town.  
  
"What're you talking about Sonny? Carly? Is Carly leaving town?" In his heart, Jason knew it was Elizabeth Sonny was talking about.   
  
__Elizabeth. Elizabeth is leaving town, Jason.  
  
"And you want me to do what?" he asked angrily. He'd told Sonny to not tell him about her. "You want me to leave Emily so I can see what's up with Elizabeth? So I can listen to her cry how much Lucky doesn't love her anymore? I don't think so."   
  
__She broke up with Lucky.  
  
His heart soared. That was the only way to describe it. She was…free. She'd finally chosen herself. "And that means what to me?"   
  
__You love her.  
  
It was a statement, not a question. But Jason still treated it like one. "I care a lot about her, but Elizabeth made it clear she doesn't want me in her life. Time after time she told me she didn't want to see me anymore. I'm not stupid, Sonny."   
  
__Don't let pride stand in the way of your heart, Jason. You'll never know what you're missing out on. She's heading back to Colorado for a little while to visit with her brother. Her bus is arriving in Denver at seven o'clock Saturday morning. You need to make a decision.  
  
And then Sonny was gone. Jason pushed the 'end' button and stared at his phone for the longest time. Once again, Jason had a decision to make, and Elizabeth Webber was at the heart of it.  
  
__I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't  
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town  
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't  
I had to lose everything to find out  
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road  
I'm movin' on  
  
Elizabeth stepped off the bus in Chicago and went to where the driver was unloading their luggage. After she grabbed the one large suitcase she'd brought with her and shifted her backpack on her shoulder, she turned towards the building the bus station was housed in. She had a two hour wait until the next bus came, so she headed for the travel shop. Hoping to grab some travel maps and books, she wanted to settle in and read about all the places she hoped to see.   
  
She broke out into a wide smile when she saw a book about Italy. It was sitting alone, out of place. And she knew instinctively that it didn't belong there. The other books were about the United States and cities within. Grabbing it and a few crossword books, she headed to the checkout counter. When the cashier scanned the book the computer screen read __Not Found.   
  
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but I can't sale you this book."   
  
"What?" Elizabeth asked. She reached for the book even as the woman started to put it under her station. Elizabeth reached into her bag and pulled out one of the fifties Sonny had given her. "Please, I'll give you this for it."   
  
The young girl eyed the fifty in the woman's hand and began to slide the book towards her.   
  
The man behind the girl put a hundred dollar bill on the counter. "I want that book."   
  
The hair on the back of Elizabeth's neck stood up as she recognized the voice. She looked down at the hand and instantly recognized the large, calloused hands. Hands she'd held and hands that'd held her.   
  
The cashier looked up at the blue-eyed man and smiled shyly. She'd never seen anyone more handsome in her life. Taking the hundred dollar bill, she shoved the book into a bag. "Will there be anything else for you, sir?"   
  
"I came to find the woman I love," Jason said calmly. "She's about this tall," he motioned with his hand to just below his chin, "and has brown, curly hair. She has eyes so blue I get lost in them every time I look into them. Her skin is like alabaster and she's…" he searched for the appropriate word, "__perfect. Have you seen her?"   
  
Before the cashier could answer, Elizabeth turned around to face him. "How'd you find me?"   
  
Jason lifted a hand to her cheek and smiled. "I followed my heart. And Sonny traced your bus route. He called me."   
  
"Can we talk?" Elizabeth asked. She was aware that the people in line were staring at her and she thought she saw the cashier smile widely. "My bus is leaving in about two hours."   
  
"Well then," he said smoothly, "I have exactly one hour, forty three minutes, and twenty seven seconds, to convince you to come with me." He smiled at her again as he took her hand. "So what're you doing in Chicago anyway?"   
  
"Well, you see…I'm movin' on."   
  
__I'm movin' on  
I'm movin' on  
  
Song Credit: __I'm Movin' On by Rascal Flatts  
  
_


	2. This Ain't a Love Song: Introduction

Hi all… 

This is the introduction to a series I've entitled "This Ain't a Love Song" based on the September 23, 2002 episode of "General Hospital."  After the dialogue that overlaps, it veers distinctly from what happened on the show.

It's the usual spiel… I don't own the characters, I just like to have some fun with them every once in awhile.  They're property of ABC, Disney, and General Hospital.  

Each of the songs are credited at the end of each part.  

Enjoy!!!  


	3. This Ain't a Love Song: The Weakness In...

_I'm not the sort of person  
Who falls  
In and quickly out of love  
But to you I gave my affection  
Right from the start_  
  
I wish…I wish I could pinpoint the moment when everything inside of me started to die.   
  
Most people would say it was when Lucky died, the first time. Others would say it was when I faked my death for him. Or when I walked away from him at the alter because he couldn't say _I love you._   
  
My parents or sister might say it was the day I ran away from home to Port Charles. But you'll notice they never bothered to come get me. Hell, they haven't even called in years.   
  
But me… sometimes I think it's the day Jason left me sitting on the docks. He'd sweetly kissed my forehead and I said _No, I'll see you later…_ Or maybe, it was the second time he left, leaving a message on Emily's answering machine. _Tell Elizabeth I had to go._   
  
And then there's the third time… _I don't want to be free, I want to be with Lucky._ God, what had I been smoking then? I gave up everything…life…love…_ freedom_ for a man who couldn't even love me. How stupid was I?   
  
_I have a lover  
Who loves me  
How could I break such a heart  
Yet still you get my attention_  
  
Although all of those times are close, if I try hard I can pinpoint that moment. It was the first time Jason Morgan lied to me. It was the first time he used _business_ as an excuse for something personal. It was the moment I realized that in the end, I would end up walking away from him.   
  
I finally opened my eyes to see the light pink color staining his neck. And it all began to fall in place. All of the nights he hadn't come home. All of the time he was spending avoiding me – trying to think of a way to tell me, I imagine. The day in the hall when I'd seen her in his arms. I'd tried to rationalize it to myself that she was Sonny's sister – she was _my friend_, and she knew how I felt about Jason – but in the end, I'd seen them in one too many compromising situations to look over it. I'd heard AJ raise too many questions for it to just be nothing.   
  
As I studied his neck, I felt my heart begin to break. "Courtney must've been pretty grateful. Is that lipstick, or is that a smudge of blood, or something?" I motioned to his neck, even though I wanted to touch it for myself. I wanted to know. I needed to know.  
  
I watched as Jason reached up and wiped it. He slowly ran it between his fingers, then covered his face with his hands. It was the first ounce of emotion I'd seen out of him in so long. Since days before when I all but told him I didn't want him to go. Since Sonny was shot.   
  
"Ok, Elizabeth," he said almost desperately, "there- there are things I can't explain to you right now, and I'm sorry. Please just let me take you back to the penthouse."   
  
_Make me lie  
When I don't want to  
And make someone else  
Some kind of an unknowing fool  
You make me stay  
When I should not  
Are you so strong  
Or is all the weakness in me_  
  
And then…it was dead. I did the only thing I knew I could. I walked away. I heard him swear softly and rip the leaves off the bush. And then I felt him as he stayed half a step behind me the entire way back to the penthouse. We rode the elevator up in silence. All the while I knew Jason wanted to talk to me – he wanted to explain. Even as my heart screamed at me that he wouldn't do it – he wouldn't pull me so close, only to hold another closer. But then again, I didn't think Lucky would do it either.   
  
The new guy was standing guard at Carly's door, but I didn't even glance his way. Jason kept his head down as he followed me around the corner. "Mr. Morgan–" I heard the guard call.   
  
"Not now."   
  
"Mr. Morgan, Mrs. Corinthos needs to see you right away."   
  
It was then that he stopped and turned. I didn't even bother to look back, I already knew he wasn't behind me. Part of me hoped he'd go deal with Carly – she'd always been the reason he left me before. Or maybe that was Courtney. I knew Carly was hurting and I knew Jason was her rock. He was everyone's rock. I just don't think he realized I wanted to be his.   
  
Mostly I hoped he'd go to her so he wouldn't have to watch as I packed my bag. So he wouldn't see the tears I cried as I slipped my clothes out of the solid oak wardrobe and into my small black bag. I didn't want him to be here when I left.   
  
But he didn't. "Marco, I can't deal with it right now. I'll be over later." Then he followed me into the penthouse. "Elizabeth–" he started.  
  
Only, I didn't stop. I kept right up the stairs and took the right into the bathroom. There I quickly grabbed my small make-up kit and toothbrush. The black marble room was nice…definitely nicer than the bathroom-down-the-hall I had at the studio. But that was home, and this wasn't. At least not my home.   
  
_Why do you come here  
And pretend to be just passing by  
When I mean to see you  
And I mean to hold you  
Tightly_  
  
"Elizabeth–" he called again from the hallway. I continued to ignore him as I tossed my things on the bed and went to the closet. Pushing aside my dresses, I pulled the black bag from what I had hoped to be its permanent resting place. "Please," he pleaded, "just talk to me."   
  
"About what?" I finally asked. Turning to face him, my heart again cracked at the pain on his face. "What do you want to _talk_ about?"   
  
Jason reached out to touch my face, but his hand dropped back to his side mid-air. "Will you just let me explain?"   
  
"Will you answer a question for me?"   
  
His eyebrow arched as if to ask me what my question was, so I continued. "Those things AJ said. He wasn't just blowing off steam, was he? Did you watch Courtney strip, night after night?"   
  
He looked away and swallowed. I expected for him to lie…but he didn't. "Y-yes."   
  
"So, all the time I spent at home," I asked, and I could feel the tears prickling at my eyes, "wondering where you were, and why you wouldn't call…why you were pushing me away. You were watching your sister-in-law, _my friend_, take her clothes off."   
  
"Elizabeth…"   
  
"No." God, it hurt. It hurt so much…it was like the pain was exploding inside of me. "I'm leaving."   
  
_Feeling guilty  
Worried  
Waking from tormented sleep  
This old love has me bound  
But the new love cuts deep_  
  
Jason stood there, dumbfounded, as I began to toss my clothes into my suitcase. I didn't even bother to fold them, or separate the dirty from the clean. I just knew I needed to get out of there as soon as possible. I was going to be sick… but I didn't want him to know. I didn't want him to know how much he had hurt me.   
  
So I packed. After about five minutes, Jason had just turned and walked away. I could see the tears pricking at _his_ eyes. And all I could think of were Carly's words telling me to decide now if I could handle this lifestyle. Funny thing was, it wasn't the lifestyle that got me…it was Jason. The man who wouldn't tell a lie had been feeding me a load of bull for weeks now. And it hurt.   
  
Once I had dragged the suitcase downstairs, I found Jason sitting on the couch. He was nursing a beer. His shirt was untucked, his feet were propped up on the table. It was the most relaxed I had seen him in days. I realized he wasn't going to try and stop me.   
  
_Feeling guilty  
Worried  
Waking from tormented sleep  
This old love has me bound  
But the new love cuts deep_  
  
"I'll have Johnny drive you," Jason offered.   
  
"No thanks." I went to the desk and dialed information. "AJ Quartermaine, please." From the corner of my eye, I saw his head shoot up as if to ask what I was doing. "Thank you."   
  
I quickly wrote the number down before I forgot. I'd call AJ when I got back to the studio. Then I called information for a number to a local cab company. Ten minutes, they said. Be waiting out front.   
  
_If I choose now  
I'll lose out  
One of you has to fall  
And I need you  
And you_  
  
When I opened the door, Jason was right behind me. "Don't go," he finally asked.   
  
"I have to," I whispered.   
  
"Why?"   
  
I turned to face him, not bothering to wipe away my tears. "I have to."   
  
"Don't…" This time he did touch my face. "I can't lose you. You're…"  
  
"What am I, Jason?" I asked. "I need to know."   
  
"You're everything."   
  
"What does that mean?"   
  
"You're the weakness in me."   
  
I blew out the harsh breath I'd been holding. I still didn't know what that meant. His weakness. "I can't do this anymore. This game of tug-of-war we can't seem to escape. I need you…not this shell of a person you've become around me. Tell me why you're shutting me out."   
  
Jason dropped his hand from my face and looked away. I could tell I was asking questions I shouldn't, wanting answers he couldn't give me. "Elizabeth…"  
  
"Tell me," I pleaded.   
  
"You know I can't," he whispered. His eyes closed and time seemed to stop.   
  
In that moment I realized all of the things I wanted to tell him, but never had. All of the times I'd been so close, but couldn't bring myself to say the right words, to take the risk. "I love you," I whispered to him. "And you should know…you're my strength."   
  
_Why do you come here  
When you know I've got trouble enough  
Why do you call me  
When you know I can't answer the phone  
  
Make me lie  
When I don't want to  
And make someone else  
Some kind of an unknowing fool  
You make me stay  
When I should not  
Are you so strong  
Or is all the weakness in me  
  
Why do you come here  
And pretend to be just passing by  
When I mean to see you  
And I mean to hold you  
Tightly_  
  
When Jason opened his eyes, I was gone.   
  
Song Credit: _The Weakness In Me_, Joan Armatrading


	4. This Ain't a Love Song: You Get Used to...

I can remember a time when I loved the silence. Standing on the penthouse balcony, looking out into the city, it was once a favorite way to pass time. You can see the whole city from here… even out to the cliff road and the lake. I finally began to understand why Sonny bought this building. You could see everything, but it was always from a place high above everyone else. You were a part of their lives, but not so much that you were a part of them. If that made any sense at all.   
  
_I thought I felt you touch my cheek this morning  
But I must'a been dreamin'  
And in the middle of the night without a warning  
I thought I heard you breathin'  
Me and my so-called independence   
I've got this loneliness that's so relentless_  
  
And now… the one life I want to be a part of, it doesn't seem possible anymore. It had been four days, seven hours, and twelve minutes since Elizabeth had walked out my door. Since she'd looked at me, unshed tears in her eyes, pleading with me to just talk to her. To tell her what she needed to know. I know she knew she shouldn't ask the questions she was asking. I knew she knew I couldn't answer those questions. But maybe my silence gave her even more reasons to leave. I tried to reason that I was better off with out her. My loyalty to Sonny remained in tact, even as the rest of me fell away.   
  
But the thing was – when all of this was over, when Alcazar was taken care of, Sonny would be going home to Carly. He would return to the city that loved him… or the city that loved to hate him. Whatever. He would have been able to make peace with himself about Brenda's death. Sonny would have all that; and I'd have an empty penthouse for my troubles.   
  
Zander had left too. As soon as he realized I'd let Elizabeth leave, he was gone. Now my once full-of-life penthouse was dead again. Just like me.   
  


~*~

  
Sometimes I think she knows I'm there. Even though there's no real way to hide myself at Kelly's, and I know that she sees me, even if she doesn't acknowledge me… But part of me wonders if she thinks I'm there to see her, or Courtney. I'll never forget the look on her face when she asked me if I had watched Courtney strip. Or when she asked if there was lipstick on my neck. And that wasn't even from Courtney. No, that was a bigger, more damaging secret that would probably distance her even further.   
  
I remember a time when Elizabeth would light up when I walked into Kelly's. Now… now she darts immediately for the kitchen and I don't see her again for the remainder of my visit. But today, I'm just dropping by for coffee. Sonny wants to see me – for the first time in days. I imagine he's going to ask where I've been. And I'm really tempted to lie.  
  
_I guess you get used to somebody  
Kind of like havin' them around  
I guess you get used to the way they make you happy  
Bring you up when you're feeling down  
I never dreamed when I was letting you go  
That I would wake up and miss you this much  
I guess you get used to somebody  
I guess you get used to bein' loved_   
  
I wanted to smile when Courtney looked up and smiled at me. It was good to see her. I'd seen her just a few days ago, after Elizabeth left, and she told me she'd talked to AJ and things seemed okay. But she also told me that AJ's boss had been harassing her about stripping, and AJ had just sat there and not said anything. She said she knew it was because he didn't want to lose his job. But it was the principle of thing…and I understood that.   
  
"Coffee?" she asked.   
  
I nodded mutely. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Elizabeth grab a pan of dishes and head towards the back. I closed my eyes and waited for the pain to stop before I turned back to Courtney.   
  
"Still not speaking?" she pried.   
  
"She doesn't want to see me, or talk to me, or take my help at all."   
  
"Well," she sighed, "That makes two of us. She won't speak to me at all. It's like she's turned into this frozen block of concrete."   
  
I couldn't help but be taken back to another time when I'd heard that phrase used. It seemed that everything in my life was coming back to Elizabeth these days. "I don't know what to do," I admitted. I took a sip of the coffee and didn't even flinch when it burned the roof of my mouth. "Elizabeth knows that there are things I can't tell her. And the thing is… I think she gets that. But this… this was personal. She thought I was going behind her back and seeing you. It's the same thing Lucky did to her… and well, I might as well be guilty. There were so many times I could have told her, but I didn't."   
  
"Why do I get the feeling we aren't talking about me and you anymore?"   
  
Not wanting to answer her question, I stood. "I have somewhere to be." I tossed a ten on the counter top and turned to go. "Thanks for the coffee."   
  
"No problem."   
  


~*~

  
When I got to the safe house, I knew I was late but I checked on Brenda anyway. I'd never admit it to anyone, but I was glad she was alive. I hated that she was living with a terminal illness, but I was glad she was alive nonetheless. And I hated to think of how hurt she was going to be when she found out Sonny was really alive…and had been listening to her the entire time.   
  
Brenda looked up from her notebook and smiled. It was the most beautiful smile I'd seen from her yet. Sonny had once told me that when she smiled at him, she melted the ice around his heart. I could finally understand why. "Hey stranger."   
  
"You okay?" I asked.   
  
"Yeah, that guy Max has been checking up on me, bringing me food, you know the deal. And Benny even came back to see me. He's not even mad."   
  
I could tell that today was definitely a good day for her. I hadn't seen her this happy since she'd been here. "So you've been okay?" I inquired.   
  
"Yeah… what about you?"   
  
"I've been dealing with some personal things… that's why I haven't been here."   
  
"Jason, you don't have to explain yourself to me. You know that."   
  
I nodded, knowing that she was right. And when had I ever explained myself to anyone? "Okay… well, I have to go." I stopped at the door, and turned back to her. "If you need something, let Max know. He'll find me, and tell me, okay? I'll get it for you."   
  
"Thanks Jason. You don't have to do this."   
  
"I'm just doing what Sonny would have wanted."   
  
Even from my place by the door, I could see her eyes cloud up at the memory. She really did mean it when she said she still loved him. "I know."   
  
_I kinda miss those ramblin' conversations  
Where we talk about nothin'   
The way you always made me laugh at my frustrations  
Baby that was somethin'   
I should've been careful what I wished for  
Cause I've got my freedom and so much more_  
  
I left Brenda without another word. Part of me knew why Sonny didn't want her to know… but it seemed like all we were doing was hurting innocent women lately. Brenda. Courtney. I sighed…Elizabeth. Especially Elizabeth. I walked around the safe house and nodded at Max who was making rounds. I took the side door and was relieved to find Sonny sitting on the couch, reading the paper, instead of sitting by the vent listening to Brenda mutter to herself.   
  
"Hey," he greeted me. "Why haven't you been by?"   
  
_Hey Jason, how's it going… haven't seen you in a few days, everything okay?_ I started to answer, but then realized that was a conversation I was having in my head. "I had some things to take care of."   
  
"By that I'm hoping you mean Carly confronting the family members with a baseball bat."   
  
"I talked to her about it." I moved further into the room and sat in the chair opposite the couch, facing him. "Then I talked to Tagliati… she might have actually done some good. But I won't let her do anything stupid."   
  
"I know this is hard on her. I hope she knows it's hard on me too."   
  
"She misses you," I told him. I looked up at my oldest friend and tried to think of all the reasons we were doing this. Of all the reasons I was lying to the people I loved – but none of them seemed to fit anymore. "I can't stay long."   
  
"Have somewhere to be?"   
  
"Not really. I just don't want us to be found out too soon. Skye and Jax are getting married today, so it should be over soon."   
  
"I noticed Brenda didn't even ask you if she could go. And she didn't knock you over the head, so that's a good thing, right?"   
  
"She knows I put men on Jax, even though he doesn't know. They've all been given the orders to disable Alcazar and bring him here, if they see him." I stood then, and readied myself to leave. "I should get back."   
  
_I guess you get used to somebody  
Kind of like havin' them around  
I guess you get used to the way they make you happy  
Bring you up when you're feeling down  
I never dreamed when I was letting you go  
That I would wake up and miss you this much  
I guess you get used to somebody  
I guess you get used to bein' loved_   
  
"Jason…" Sonny began. I could feel him studying me, trying to read what was going on with me. He was trying to understand the things I wasn't talking about. "How's Elizabeth?"   
  
"I don't know," I answered him.   
  
"What do you mean?" he asked.   
  
"I mean what I said… I don't know how she is. I haven't talked to her lately."   
  
"She _lives_ with you, Jason. How can you not have talked to her?"   
  
"She left," I explained. This really wasn't something I wanted to get into… not here, not with Sonny. I'd rather be anywhere else, having any other conversation at the moment, honestly. "I really have to go." I started moving towards the door, hoping to get out before he asked another question.   
  
"She decided she couldn't handle it?" he asked.   
  
"No." I dropped my chin and took a deep breath. God…it hurt. "She got tired of me lying to her, so she just left. On Monday."   
  
"What happened?"   
  
"She…uh…she saw me and Courtney on the docks. Courtney was almost mugged–"  
  
"Is my sister okay?" he asked immediately.   
  
"I stopped the guy. But apparently, Elizabeth was walking by, and when AJ showed up, he accused me of coming on to Courtney, and then Elizabeth heard him talk about me watching her stripping." I pinched the bridge of my nose as the memories of her hurt expression came to mind. "She was so hurt…and then add to that there was lipstick on my neck–"  
  
"Wait," he interrupted again. "How did you get _lipstick_ on your neck?"   
  
"You remember…Brenda had that nightmare? She hugged me…and I'm guessing that's where it came from. Who knows? It could have been Courtney's. Point is… Elizabeth saw it, went back to the penthouse, and left."   
  
"Have you seen her since?"   
  
"I've been by Kelly's a few times. She doesn't even acknowledge my presence. From what Courtney told me today, it's the same with her. The only person I've seen her with is AJ…"  
  
"AJ?"   
  
"Before she left, she got AJ's phone number. I guess she called him, and they've been talking. I don't know, really." I rubbed the back of my neck in frustration. It wasn't that I didn't want to know – I did – I just wasn't sure if I had the right to know. "I have to go."   
  
_I never dreamed when I was letting you go  
That I would wake up and miss you this much  
I guess you get used to somebody  
I guess you get used to bein' loved_  
  
"Jason!" Sonny called after me.   
  
I stopped at the door, my hand on the doorknob, and looked back at him. "Yeah?"   
  
"You'll be okay. You were okay before Elizabeth Webber, and you'll be okay after her…"   
  
I knew the small smile I gave him was full of bitterness and resentment. And I also knew I wouldn't be back to see him again. "That's easy for you to say. You have a wife and a son waiting for you at home."   
  
_I guess you get used to somebody  
I guess you get used to bein' loved_  
  
Song Credit: _You Get Used to Somebody_, Tim McGraw


	5. This Ain't a Love Song: Tomorrow

_And I wanna believe you  
When you tell me it will be ok  
Ya I try to believe you  
But I don't_  
  
It was habit that had me looking up when the bell above the door rang. I could only hold my breath and hope it wasn't Jason. The downside to being the only waitress on tonight was that if he came in, I'd have no choice but to serve him. And he was coming in a lot lately.   
  
Instead, it was the other brother. AJ and I had met briefly the day after I left the penthouse. But he was on his way to Skye's wedding, then out of town to Washington, D.C. But he'd promised me we could have a tête-à-tête when he returned. True to his word, he was here. "Hey," I greeted him. I gave him a weak smile, one he returned just as weakly. Both of us hated the reason we were meeting.   
  
"How's it going?" AJ asked casually.   
  
"It's going…"   
  
"One of those days?" he asked.   
  
_When you say that it's gonna be ok  
It always turns out to be a different way  
I try to believe you  
Not today, today, today_  
  
I nodded. Grabbing two cups and a pot of coffee I went to the table he'd chosen. It was slow tonight; only two of the tables were occupied. I knew it'd be okay if I sat with him for a while. "How was the trip?"   
  
"I undid some of the damage my grandfather has done. And I got some of my money back." AJ reached for the cup of coffee I poured him and took a sip. "Now tell me, do I still have a wife to go home and share it with?"   
  
"Jason was in here yesterday, and they spoke briefly." I looked away and sighed… it had hurt not talking to him. But slowly I was training myself to not smile when he entered the room, but it was hard. "I'm not really talking to either of them, so I'm not sure what's up."   
  
"Have you spoken to him at all?"   
  
"No. There's nothing left to say. I just… all that time when he was pushing me away, when I would lie awake at night and ache for him… I just can't believe…"   
  
_I don't know how I'll feel  
tomorrow, tomorrow  
I don't know what to say  
Tomorrow, tomorrow is a different day_  
  
AJ reached out and covered my hand with his. "Hey, it's okay. Jason's an idiot for treating you the way he did."   
  
I couldn't help but smile at him. "Funny, he said the same thing about you the other night."   
  
"Oh really?"   
  
"Yeah… when I asked him if what you said was true, he said, 'AJ's an idiot.'"   
  
"It's good to know how my brother _really_ feels."   
  
"I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings," I apologized immediately. I looked away from him again, suddenly remembering all of the times Jason had insulted him. I just couldn't believe it was the same man. Sure, AJ had made some mistakes and he had messed up more than once, but I could see that he was a good guy. And he was at least trying to make his marriage work. More than I could say about Jason at the moment.  
  
"How many times have you seen them together?" he inquired.   
  
"Uh…once before I was kidnapped, they were together on the docks. Then, there were just little moments, you know? I'd see them talking at Kelly's, or on the docks, or just anywhere. Or I'd find them hugging. It just never really clicked, you know. Because the entire time, Jason was kissing _me_ and telling _me_ we couldn't be together because of the danger. And I… I believed him." I had promised myself I wouldn't cry over him anymore. I didn't think I had the tears left in me, honestly. "I never expected this."   
  
AJ reached over and pushed my hair out of my face. He lifted my chin and smiled warmly at me. "No matter what your mind is telling you, I know Courtney wasn't, nor has she ever, had any kind of interest in Jason. She and I might not have had the best start, but my wife loves me… I believe her when she tells me that."   
  
I sniffed, in spite of myself, and looked up at him. "If it's not her, it's someone else. Jason's been seeing someone. _Someone_ put lipstick on his neck… he spends time with _someone_ every night. He certainly wasn't coming home to me."   
  
"You love him very much, don't you?"   
  
I nodded. "More than I ever thought possible. After Lucky–"  
  
"Are you sure your problems are with my brother, or are they with your past?" His tone was soft, and I know he wasn't trying to hurt me… he was just trying to be fair, I think.   
  
And I didn't know the answer to his question. I knew I was over Lucky, but I wasn't sure that he didn't still have a hold on me. On my heart…on my mind. On my trust. He'd been very important to me, and finding him with Sarah had destroyed something inside. "I see your point," I finally conceded.   
  
"Don't cut him off, completely," he urged me. "Jason has been different this time around… he's been less cold towards me. Sometimes I even see flashes of the brother I rammed into a tree."   
  
Now it was my turn to ask the same question. "You love him very much, don't you?"   
  
"Yes, I do."   
  
I knew it was true, because his voice broke while he was saying it. It was my turn to reach out and cover his hand to comfort him.   
  
And then the bell above the door chimed again. I looked up and felt my heart jump into my throat. Jason.   
  
_It's always been up to you  
It's turning around it's up to me  
I'm gonna do what I have to do  
Just don't  
Give me a little time  
Leave me alone a little while  
Maybe it's not to late  
Not today, today, today_  
  
His gaze wasn't on me, but on my hand covering AJ's on the table. Immediately, I jerked it back, but I knew it was too late. He was already coming over to us.   
  
Those intense blue eyes didn't look at me, but through me. He looked tired; like he hadn't slept in days. His face had a two-day shadow from not shaving. And I could tell he hadn't changed clothes from the day before. He must have been out riding all night again. I couldn't hold his gaze, so I looked away immediately.   
  
Instead, it was AJ who spoke. "Hey bro…" His voice was kind of shaky, and I knew he was worried about what Jason must be thinking.   
  
"Don't you need to get home to your wife?" Jason's eyes never left me.   
  
"He's right," I spoke up, but never looked at Jason. "I have to get back to work, anyway."   
  
"I need to talk to you." His voice was gruff, cracked with emotion.   
  
_I don't know how I'll feel  
Tomorrow, tomorrow  
I don't know what to say  
Tomorrow is a different day_  
  
"Can't," I replied shortly, still not looking at him, "We're closing. Is there anything you need before you go?"   
  
"Elizabeth…" Jason sighed.   
  
AJ looked between his brother and me one more time before he silently rose. He leaned over and kissed my cheek and gave me a half-smile. "If you need anything, or just to talk, you know my number. Don't be afraid to call."   
  
"Thanks AJ," I called after him. The door slammed shut and Jason and I were alone in the diner. The other two tables had cleared out before he came in. "Did you need something?"   
  
"I told you…" he began.  
  
"And I told you," I interrupted, my voice sharp, "that I can't. So unless you have a call in, or you want to place an order real quick, we're closed."   
  
Jason reached out to push my hair out of my face, but I stepped out of his grasp. "Don't touch me," I hissed. "You need to leave."   
  
"Elizabeth–"  
  
"Leave," I ordered.   
  
_Hey yeah yeah  
hey yeah yeah  
and I know I'm not reading  
hey yeah yeah  
hey yeah yeah  
maybe tomorrow_  
  
Instead of leaving, Jason went to the counter and sat down. "I know you don't want to listen to me, but I'm going to talk anyway." He turned to watch me as I began to gather dishes into a pan. "Will you please sit down?"   
  
"I need to get home. I don't like being out on the docks by myself late at night."   
  
"I'll make sure you get home."   
  
"No thanks," I snapped, "I'll take my chances in the dark."   
  
"So you'd rather something bad happen to you than take my help?" he asked. "Elizabeth you know Courtney was almost mugged–"   
  
"I don't care," I ground out through clenched teeth. I dropped the pan of dishes on the closest table and went to face him. "I could care less, Jason. I would rather eat rusty nails and walk over broken glass than take help from you at the moment."   
  
Jason cocked his head to the side and I could see the hurt in his eyes. It broke my heart. "So you really hate me that much?"   
  
"Problem is… I don't hate you at all." Turning away from him quickly, I grabbed the pan of dishes and went into the kitchen. As I started the water and added soap, I prayed he wouldn't be in there when I went back. But he was.   
  
"I'm not leaving until you talk to me," he warned. And I knew he'd stay forever, if he had to. That was just the kind of person Jason was.   
  
"We're closed," I told him again. "You're trespassing. Do you want me to give Taggert a reason to haul you downtown?"   
  
"You have to talk to me sometime," he pleaded.   
  
I looked up at him, and I knew my eyes were wide with emotion. The thing with Jason was that he could always see what I was feeling, no matter how much I tried to hide it. After a while, I had just stopped trying. "Sometime… but not now. I _can't_ do this with you right now, Jason. Please…" I asked him. "Please, just _go_."   
  
Jason closed his eyes and swallowed. "I don't wanna go home," he whispered. "The penthouse is so empty… it's so quiet. I miss having you there. I miss running into you in the hall, or you being on the couch waiting when I get home. Somehow, somewhere along the way, I started to need you, Elizabeth. Please come home. Come back to me," he pleaded.   
  
"I can't."   
  
"Can't or won't?"   
  
"What does it matter?" I asked. "What does it really matter if I can't or if I won't? In the end, it all means the same thing."   
  
"I'm sorry I hurt you. I never meant to."   
  
_And I want to believe you  
when you tell me that it will   
be okay, I try to believe you  
not today, today, today_  
  
I looked away from him and blinked back tears. At the moment, he reminded me of a little boy who had just broken his mothers favorite lamp. His eyes were wide, pleading with me to forgive him… to just come home with him. To him. I swallowed, and looked back. "I know."   
  
Taking a chance, Jason reached up to cup my cheek. I leaned into his touch for a moment, before pulling away. "You have to go," I told him again. "I have to finish closing… and you have to go."   
  
"I won't give up on you," he swore.   
  
"Maybe you should," I answered him.   
  
"No… I'll be back tomorrow… and the day after, and the day after," he promised. Jason moved away from me, towards the door. He stopped and looked back, not looking like that little boy anymore. "You're everything to me, Elizabeth. I won't give up on you, as long as you don't give up on me."   
  
And then he was gone… out the door, and I left myself to wonder if he'd really been there, or if it was just a conversation I'd had with myself.   
  
As I went to lock the door and change the side, I heard the rumble of his motorcycle as it sped away and I knew he'd been there. "I'll never give up on you," I whispered into the night.   
  
_hey yeah yeah  
hey yeah yeah  
and I know I'm not ready  
hey yeah yeah  
hey yeah yeah  
maybe tomorrow_  
  
Song Credit: _Tomorrow_, Avril Lavigne


	6. This Ain't a Love Song: I Miss My Frien...

I could tell by my brother's surprised expression that I was the last person he was expecting to see. Actually, this was the last place I expected to end up. But sometimes things don't turn out like we expect.   
  
"Jason." Instead of turning me away, like he had every right to, he opened the door. "Come in."   
  
I followed him into the room, gently closing the door behind me. I looked around the apartment and noticed the boxes littering the living room and kitchen. "Are you moving?"   
  
"Courtney and I are thinking about leaving Port Charles."   
  
"Why?" I reached up to rub the back of my neck, trying to work out the tension I felt.   
  
"Neither of us have anything here. I've been disowned and Sonny's dead."   
  
I winced at the reference to Sonny. It'd been three days since I'd walked out on him. Sonny had called a few times, but I told him I was busy cleaning up Carly's mess. "So you're leaving."   
  
"Yeah… we're leaving. Courtney wants to go to school. And I want to start over, somewhere else. We both want to start over."   
  
"Is she here?" I inquired. I already knew the answer, but I thought I'd ask anyway.   
  
"You here to see her?" AJ asked.   
  
I watched as AJ moved away from the door, and sat down on the couch. "No, I'm not. I…" I hesitated. I looked away, narrowing my eyes at the window. "I'm here to ask for your help."   
  
AJ snorted. It was a discouraging sound. "Don't you know, little brother, that I can't help anyone? I can only help myself. You're standing in the same room with the most selfish person alive."   
  
No… I thought. That would be Sonny. I'd never say it out loud, but those words crossed my mind at that moment. I sat down in an old chair, one that Courtney had draped an afghan over the back of. Silently I fingered the afghan, and remembered a similar blanket that Elizabeth had forgotten at the penthouse. It was still lying over the back of my couch, looking at home.   
  
"What do you need?" AJ asked.   
  
"You know there's nothing going on with Courtney, don't you?" For some reason, I needed AJ to believe me about that.   
  
"You stole one wife from me, Jase. Why was I so surprised that you tried to steal another?"   
  
"I don't want Courtney," I promised him. "And I never stole Carly. She left, and you know the reasons why."   
  
"Don't worry," he told me. "I know Carly Benson and I were a match made in hell. But I loved her… and she wanted you. Just like everyone else in my life."   
  
"So you throw a pity party?" I asked. "You sit around and feel sorry for yourself while you're wife is out working her butt off trying to stop you from drowning? You know why she started stripping, AJ. The only person to blame for that mess was _you_."   
  
"Jase–"  
  
"No," I cut in. "For some ungodly reason, that woman loves you. And you… you need to make something out of it, _Big Brother_, because you may never get another chance."   
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"I don't want Courtney," I told him. "I never have. And if you'd think for just one second, you would know that."   
  
"You know that," AJ said, "Courtney doesn't want you. For once, the black sheep wins. The golden boy finally lost."   
  
"You're an idiot, AJ." I stood and moved towards the door. "I'm sorry I came here."   
  
I was halfway down the hall when I heard him call after me. "Jase!" I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. I _really_ wasn't in the mood for another of AJ's moods.   
  
"What?" I worked hard to keep my voice controlled, not betraying the anger or disappointment I was feeling. I'd never figure out what he and Elizabeth had talked about at this point.   
  
"She loves you," he told me.   
  
I turned to face him, put a hand on my hip. He was standing there, leaning against the door jamb, not a care in the world. "Who?"   
  
"Elizabeth," AJ said. "She loves you."   
  
"She left me, AJ. Or did she not tell you that?"   
  
"Because you've been on some secret mission since the moment Sonny died! Because you stopped talking to her, _you_ stopped caring about her."   
  
I stalked back to where he was and glared down at him. "I have never, not even for one second, stopped caring about her. And Elizabeth knows that."   
  
"How'd you get the lipstick on your neck, Jase?"   
  
My eyes widened in shock. How much had she told him?  
  
"Didn't think I knew, huh? That lipstick came from _somewhere_, little brother. Do I think you went behind her back? No, I don't. Even a blind man could see how much you care for Elizabeth Webber. But you're definitely hiding something from her. And since you claim that you don't lie, I imagine that's the reason that you're avoiding her. Except it's killing her, Jason. She died inside every time you came into the penthouse and went upstairs, didn't even stop to say hello. She took as much as she could take before she left."   
  
"Did she tell you that?" I asked.   
  
"She didn't have to." AJ moved back into the apartment, but left the door open so I could follow. "I could see it, every time I looked into her eyes at Kelly's. I just have to wonder which Elizabeth Webber _you_ were looking at."   
  
But that was the problem… and I knew it. I had stopped looking at her.   
  
"I hope you and Courtney can be happy together." I looked down at my older brother and tried to smile. Even though he irritated the hell out of me, I still cared. It was some left over part of me from before… before Carly and Michael… before my life exploded, and AJ was caught in the crossfire. "You deserve it. I have to go."   
  
I was gone before he could say another word.

~*~*~*~

  
_I miss my friend  
The one my heart and soul confided in  
The one I felt the safest with  
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again  
And let the light back in  
I miss my friend _  
  
It was almost midnight when I slipped into the safe house. Brenda had left a desk lamp on, but she lay sleeping on the bed. I smiled to myself. From everything Max and Francis had told me, she'd been doing okay these last few days. I wondered if she still talked through the vent to Sonny. I could only imagine how hurt she was going to be when she realized who was on the other side.   
  
Sitting down in the chair, I settled in for the night. It was easier to be here than at my apartment. The emptiness… it was too much for me. I kept running over the conversation with AJ from earlier that day. He'd said that Elizabeth loved me. And before she left, she said that she loved me. Part of me couldn't understand how. I was a monster… a truly bad person, but she loved me. This person who was beautiful inside and out loved… _me_. And I had no clue how it happened.   
  
I lay back in the chair and closed my eyes, but sleep wouldn't come. Thoughts of Elizabeth kept coming to me… all the times we'd spent together. All the nights I stayed at her studio, her sleeping right below me on the floor. All of the times we'd been on the bike, just going nowhere. I still couldn't grasp how she got into my heart. When had I opened up and let her inside?   
  
_I miss the colors that you brought into my life  
Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes  
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now  
Saying it'll be alright_  
  
"Put the world down, Atlas, it'll be okay for a while."   
  
I opened my eyes and saw Brenda sitting Indian-style on the bed. She hugged a pillow to her chest. "Hey. You're supposed to be sleeping."   
  
"I heard you come in," she told me. "I haven't had much company today. It'll be nice to talk for awhile."   
  
I couldn't stop the small smile tugging at my lips. "I'm not much of a talker."   
  
"I've noticed." Brenda hugged the pillow again before she released it. "I was dreaming… about all the good times we used to have together."   
  
"We never had good times, Brenda. You hated me."   
  
"I never hated you." Brenda bit down on her lip, and I couldn't help but think of Elizabeth. "I was so disappointed that you settled for a life as Sonny's lackey. We were good friends before the accident, Jase. You could have been so much more."   
  
"It was my choice. It was my life. And I was happy."   
  
"I know. And I respected you for that… I always wanted that for you."   
  
"And you?" I asked. "These last four years, have you been happy?"   
  
"Can you really be happy when you're running from your past, Jason?" Brenda locked eyes with me, and half-smiled. "I've been running since the night Jax watched me go over the cliff. I've been running so hard, and so fast, that it brought me right back to what I was trying to escape. And it only brought a world of trouble to my friends."   
  
"You mean Sonny."   
  
"Yeah, I mean Sonny. And Jax. I know Alcazar is going to go after him."   
  
"Don't worry. Mr. and Mrs. Jacks are honeymooning in the south of France. I have two of Sonny's men on him, though. They'll be there until we find Alcazar and he's taken care of."   
  
"You mean until you kill him."   
  
I shook my head. I had forgotten how blunt she could be. "The less you know, the better. Don't tell me you've forgotten how this works."   
  
"Nope. I haven't," she assured me. Brenda chewed on her lip for a few moments before she looked up again. "How's Robin?"   
  
_I miss my friend  
The one my heart and soul confided in  
The one I felt the safest with  
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again  
And let the light back in  
I miss my friend_  
  
"She's…" I sighed. Another thing I didn't really want to discuss. "She's in Paris, in school, I guess."   
  
"When did she leave?"   
  
"Not after long after you died. She and I… it was a bad break. We both said and did some things we shouldn't have."   
  
"So who is the woman in Jason Morgan's life?" she asked me.   
  
Again, she was being overly dramatic. "She left me."   
  
"Robin?" Brenda asked.   
  
"No… the woman in my life. She left me. A few days ago. Remember when you had the nightmare?"   
  
"Yeah, I remember."   
  
"She left that night." I looked down at my hands and sighed. It still hurt to talk about this. Even after talking with Elizabeth, and having a small ray of hope, I still couldn't believe how much it hurt.   
  
"I'm sorry." Brenda looked away at the door and I heard her sigh. "Do you want to talk about it?" she offered.   
  
"Nothing really to say," I told her. "Elizabeth… that's her name… she just got tired of all of the lies."   
  
"You don't lie."   
  
"I'm telling the biggest lie in the world right now, and you don't even know it."   
  
"Oh."   
  
"But the thing is… I don't really blame her. But I still miss her."   
  
_I miss those times  
I miss those nights  
I even miss our silly fights  
The making up  
The morning talks  
And those late afternoon walks_  
  
"Do you love her?" Brenda asked suddenly.   
  
"More than I thought possible," I answered without hesitation.   
  
"Then why are you here?" she asked. "Why aren't you out there, fighting for her, Jason?"   
  
"Sonny wanted–"  
  
"Sonny's dead." I could tell that it hurt her to say those words by the tears that came to her eyes. "I'd like to think he'd want you to be happy. Or at least my Sonny would have."   
  
It was then that I realized that _her_ Sonny was dead. She wouldn't even recognize the man who was sitting on the other side of the vent, or watching us through the window. Brenda had no idea who that man was. And neither did I.  
  
"I'll fight for her tomorrow…" I conceded. "Tonight, I just want to be here, and sleep."   
  
Brenda nodded and seemed to accept my decision. She lay back on the bed and pulled a throw blanket over her body. I was surprised she didn't fight me on staying here tonight. I listened as her breathing shallowed and sleep took her again. For a few minutes, she murmured and talked in her sleep, but I knew she'd been doing that all along.   
  
I stood and went to look over her. Her face had relaxed some, the lines in her forehead had smoothed out. I reached up and pulled the blanket up around her shoulders. I let my hand linger in her hair as I pushed it out of her face. "Goodnight, Brenda," I whispered.   
  
I knew I should have left then… and went to talk to Sonny. I knew he knew I was there. But I just didn't want to see him. I had decisions to make, very important decisions, some of them involving Sonny.   
  
But tonight… I just wanted to sit in the chair, and watch over Brenda as she slept. I wanted to think of how much I missed my friend. Except I didn't know which friend I should miss.   
  
_I miss my friend  
The one my heart and soul confided in  
The one I felt the safest with  
I miss my friend_  
  
Elizabeth or Sonny.   
  
Song Credit: _I Miss My Friend_, Darryl Worley


	7. This Ain't a Love Song: The Boy Feels S...

For some reason, I knew Carly would be by to see me. Well, I had expected her at Kelly's, not the studio, but I knew she'd be there. When I opened the door, I put on my best 'big girl' face and smiled at her. "Hey."   
  
"Can I come in?" she asked.   
  
"Sure." I moved back and let her move into the studio. She was still dressing in mourning clothes, but she seemed to be lighter. Come to think of it… they all seemed to be breathing easier since the funeral. "What's up?"   
  
"Johnny told me you moved out." She turned to face me, confusion written on her face. "I have two questions… why didn't _you_ tell me? And, why?"   
  
"Question one is simple." I smiled at her guard, Marco, and closed the door. "You were busy with your life, Carly. And well… we're not exactly friends."   
  
"But we're not enemies," she replied.   
  
"True." I motioned for her to sit on the couch and stifled a giggle at her scowl when she did. "Sorry. I've been told that thing is incredibly uncomfortable."   
  
"They weren't lying."   
  
"I know." I leaned against my art table, and started fiddling with the postcard that lay there. It was the same postcard Jason gave me at the hospital. "I knew you might try to stop me, and well… I had to leave."   
  
"You loved staying with him, though. Why did you leave?"   
  
"Ahhh," I murmured. "Question two. Jason changed the rules halfway through the game."   
  
"It's business."   
  
"Watching Courtney strip night after night was business?" I raised an eyebrow and noticed that Carly didn't look surprised. She must have known. "Where is he going that he gets _lipstick_ on his neck? Where does he disappear to every night, Carly? Can you tell me?"   
  
"No, I can't."   
  
"And that's why I left."   
  
_And he looks at me in wonder   
And he looks at me in fear   
Wrestling with his anger   
His pride and stony tears   
To place me in his life   
Will be hard and slow   
Does he want it need it   
I might never know   
The boy feels strange   
Oh the boy has changed_  
  
"But you love him," she protested. "You're good for him."   
  
"Yeah… I love him. But he's the one who pushed me out, Carly. He left when Sonny died, I was just the first to walk out the door."   
  
"You said he had lipstick on his neck? What did it look like?"   
  
"It was pink… it was lipstick. His face when I pointed it out to him… I think he knew he was hurting me. Even when we got back to the penthouse, I pleaded with him to tell me what was going on, but he wouldn't. He doesn't trust me, Carly."   
  
"Elizabeth, it has nothing to do with trust. It's business."   
  
"You're right," I agreed. "You told me I needed to decide if I had a place in his life… and I didn't answer you that day. It doesn't matter if I think I can handle it, it's obvious that he doesn't have a place for me."   
  
"Jason knows what he wants, Elizabeth. He always has. I'll never understand why it's you, but it is. Don't turn your back on that."   
  
"I can't be the only person in the relationship, Carly."   
  
"Would it make a difference if I talk to him?"   
  
"I'm not sure if it would do any good at all."   
  
"I can try," she promised me.  
  
_Looking from my tower   
I can see his fortress strong   
Surrounded by his army   
Where do I belong   
Does he ever find the answers   
In the cars as they go by   
Does he ever want to ask me why   
The boy feels strange   
Oh the boy has changed_  
  
"About this lipstick," she said to me, "two women isn't exactly Jason's style. Hasn't been for a long time."   
  
"Carly, I saw the look on his face when I pointed it out to him… I automatically assumed it was Courtney's. But after talking with AJ, I agree with him. I don't think Courtney would cheat on her husband."   
  
"I hope not. After all she's given up to be with him."   
  
"But it's someone, Carly… who?"   
  
"I don't know. I don't know where he goes every night, Elizabeth. If I did, I'd tell you," she lied.   
  
I nodded, taking her word as truth. I could only wonder when had this happened. Because we were… friends. It was strange, but it was also nice. "I miss him," I whispered.   
  
"I know." Carly covered her heart and sighed deeply. "I know exactly where you're coming from."   
  
"You loved Sonny very much, didn't you?"   
  
"I'll always love Sonny," she assured me.   
  
"I've been head over feet for Jason for a long time now."   
  
"I know."   
  
"How?" I asked. "How could you see it, when I couldn't?"   
  
"Well, first I saw it with Jason." Carly smiled at me and continued. "A long time ago, before I ever slept with Sonny, I was in love with Jason. You know this. But he never returned my feelings. What he felt for me was never enough… you couldn't build a life on friendship. That's all he could offer, but it was never enough for me."   
  
"So you slept with Sonny?"   
  
"Yeah… I slept with Sonny. Best mistake I ever made." She smiled again, and looked down at her wedding band. Funny… she didn't look like a grieving widow. "I wanted to hurt Jason, and I did. I wanted to hurt him because he was looking at _you_ with all of that love… and I was jealous. I'd never been so jealous of anything in my life."   
  
"Yeah. You made life a living hell."   
  
"I know," she said with pride. "But you loved every second of it. Or at least most of it."   
  
"True."   
  
"I used to think Jase saw you as a Robin-substitute. I mean, you're a lot like her… in your looks, and manner. All sweet and sugary. And he was very lonely after she left. I thought he'd found another her to keep his bed warm. And this time without the complication of HIV."   
  
"What changed your mind?" I asked.   
  
"The warehouse fire… you might not have noticed, but I saw the way he looked at you. And more importantly, I saw the way you looked at him. You were in love, and you didn't have a clue."   
  
_And he's seen with all the women   
Who think that he's a god   
And he blesses whom he pleases   
Holding fast to the facade   
I want to reach out and believe him   
Through his miles and miles of pain   
But lately when I touch him   
The boy feel strange_  
  
"I made so many mistakes with him," I admitted. "I jerked him around. And I'll admit… I didn't have the guts to take what I wanted."   
  
"What changed?"   
  
"Lucky cheated on me."   
  
"Sarah?" Carly asked.   
  
"Yeah. The night of your welcome home party at Kelly's… I found them upstairs in his room. They'd just finished having sex."   
  
"It destroyed you, didn't it?"   
  
"It hurt," I admitted. "But Jason was there, just like always. He took me back to my studio… and he took care of me. We kissed that night for the first time. It was… there are no words to describe what that night means to me."   
  
"When Jason loves you," Carly recalled, "It's like you're the only person in the world. And in a way, you are. You're the only woman in _his_ world."   
  
"He's never said he loves me."   
  
"Trust me. He does."   
  
_And he speaks to me of business   
When I ask him how he's been   
Keeps me at a distance   
Never getting under the skin   
Can he make a new beginning   
Does he even want to try   
Or will he only let it die   
The boy feels strange   
Oh the boy has changed_  
  
"He came by Kelly's the other day to talk to me."   
  
"And did you talk to him?"   
  
"Nope," I told her. Suddenly restless, I moved away from the table and began organizing the canvases on the other side of the room from largest to smallest. "I was pretty bitchy with him. Ordered him to leave."   
  
"Did he?"   
  
"Not until he basically made me promise that I would talk to him, eventually."   
  
Carly smiled. It was so good to see Jason fight for what he wanted. "Are you?"   
  
"Am I?"   
  
"Gonna talk to him?"   
  
"I'm so mad right now… he's hiding something from me, Carly. And it's something big."   
  
Carly wrinkled her nose at the topic. "You know what it's like in this business… the secrets, Elizabeth. He might not be telling you for your own safety."   
  
"If he'd just talk to me, I think I could handle it. But he wasn't even doing that. If he came home at all, he'd go directly to his bedroom to sleep. He wouldn't call… there were times when even you couldn't get in touch with him. It was just too odd, Carly."   
  
"I agree."   
  
"I still want him."   
  
"Then tell him." Carly reached into her purse and pulled out her cell phone. "I have him on speed dial. He wants to talk to you, Elizabeth."   
  
I shook my head. "I need to think some more."   
  
"Okay." Carly stood and smoothed out her black skirt. "I think that's my cue to leave."   
  
"No, no. I wasn't kicking you out."   
  
"I know…" Carly turned to glare at the couch and sighed. "But I have to go anyway. I'll try to talk to him, though. And you should buy a new couch. That spring poking you in the butt can't be comfortable."   
  
"I'm sorry."   
  
"It's not a problem. Hopefully, you'll be coming back where you belong soon. Jason has that nice, comfortable leather couch."   
  
I rolled my eyes at her obvious antics. "Thanks, Carly. You've given me a lot to think about."   
  
"He loves you," she told me again. "And once he loves… well let's just say, you're gonna have a hell of a time getting rid of him."   
  
"I hope so."  
  
"Goodnight, Elizabeth."   
  
"Goodnight."   
  
Song Credit: _The Boy Feels Strange_, Melissa Etheridge


	8. This Ain't a Love Song: If You're Gone

She was working at Kelly's today. I'd been standing out in the rain for ten minutes now, watching as she moved around the diner with grace and expertise. I'd seen how personal and efficient she'd been with each of her customers. How they must have been the only person in the world to her. How her smile seemed to light up the entire room.   
  
I also knew that Courtney was there too. My brother's wife was working the counter, dealing with the usual lunch crowd. I'd been surprised when that slime Coleman came in and sat down to talk to her. I'd resisted the urge to pummel him – but I knew Courtney could handle herself. What surprised me the most was that they were almost _friendly_ with each other. Something I was sure AJ didn't know.   
  
Once I got tired of standing on the outside looking in, I pulled the door open and made my presence known. The water rolled off my leather jacket… I hadn't been planning on the rain, or I never would've worn it. Maybe the rain wouldn't do too much damage. But then… I seemed to be damaging everything that was important to me lately.   
  
Elizabeth looked up to meet my eyes and I thought I saw something pass between us. Something different…something that told me maybe her ice was beginning to melt. It'd been days since that conversation when she was closing Kelly's. The night when I'd all but given her my heart in the palm of my hands. She hadn't taken it then, but I wasn't giving up. I couldn't.   
  
Because if I did…I'd lose everything.   
  
_I think I've already lost you  
I think you're already gone  
I think I'm finally scared now  
You think I'm weak - but I think you're wrong  
I think you're already leaving  
Feels like your hand is on the door  
I thought this place was an empire  
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure_  
  
I went to her, but she didn't stop bussing the table. "Can I talk to you?" I asked in a quiet voice.   
  
"I'm working, Jason." She sounded… tired.   
  
"I know. But it won't take long, I promise."   
  
She nodded slightly. "Grab a table. I'll drop these off in the back, then I'll bring some coffee."   
  
I grabbed her arm when she moved away and smiled down at her. "Thank you."   
  
From the counter, I saw Courtney move towards me. I nodded at the closest table and took a seat. "How are you?"   
  
"I'm okay. AJ told me…"   
  
"Yeah, I came by to talk to him. It was good."   
  
Courtney dropped the dishrag on the table and sat down. "I'm glad. He told you were thinking of moving?"   
  
"Yeah. And actually… I wanted to talk to you about that."   
  
"What?"   
  
I looked at Elizabeth who had just come through the kitchen doors. "Have you ever thought of subleasing?"   
  
"W-what?"   
  
Elizabeth sat the pot of coffee down on the table along with two cups. "I'm taking a break, can you handle it?" The question was directed at Courtney. I could tell from the blonde's expression that it was the most words Elizabeth had spoken to her in days.   
  
"Yeah, I'll handle it."   
  
"Thanks."   
  
Elizabeth slid into the seat Courtney left vacant. "Glad to see your relationship with your sister-in-law is healthy as always." Sarcasm dripped for her voice, laced with acid.   
  
"Elizabeth–"   
  
"Don't, Jason. I'm sitting here against my better judgment. So don't you dare do what you want to do."   
  
I raised my hands in surrender. "Fine." I reached for the pot of coffee and a cup. "Would you like some?"   
  
"I hate coffee."   
  
My lips twitched. "I know." But I pointed at the second cup. "Why'd you bring that then?"   
  
"Seemed like the thing to do." After I put the pot back on the table, Elizabeth reached for it and poured herself half a cup. Then she reached for the sugar container and slowly began to pour a heaping amount into her cup. "What?"   
  
"You want a little more coffee with your sugar?"   
  
"No." Elizabeth raised the cup to her lips and winced at the sugary-sweet taste. "Maybe I will take a little more…"   
  
"Okay." I poured her some more into her cup and she stirred it with the spoon. "Carly told me she saw you last night."   
  
"She came by the studio… Even my super-great new door couldn't keep her away."   
  
"You wouldn't have that problem–" I caught myself. This wasn't going to turn out like the last time. "What I mean is that I can put a guard on you, if you want. Francis, since you know him best."   
  
"I'm fine," she assured me. "I don't want a guard."   
  
"You've always hated to be guarded, haven't you?"   
  
Elizabeth pursed her lips and looked away. When she looked back at me, her lips were in a thin line. "I always hated having someone who wasn't you there with me."   
  
_I think you're so mean - I think we should try  
I think I could need - this in my life  
I think I'm just scared - I think too much  
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing_  
  
"I know I hurt you."   
  
"Not on purpose," she sighed. I could tell that as much as she wanted to, Elizabeth didn't blame me. Not entirely. "Look– Carly told me the night that you left that I needed to decide if I could live in your world, or not. And I can't. Or at least I don't think I can. You know what I want… they're all things you can't give to me. So let me walk away, Jason. Before either of us gets hurt worse."   
  
"I c-can't." My voice was broken, emotion seeping into my usual control. "I told you, I need you. Like I've never needed anyone."   
  
"It doesn't work," she insisted. "Just walk away, Jason."   
  
"Come with me?" I asked.   
  
"W-What?"   
  
The chair scraped against the floor when I pushed it back. "I've asked you once before… come with me, Elizabeth. We'll run away, and never look back. We'll go anywhere."   
  
"I _can't_."   
  
"Can't or won't?"   
  
Elizabeth closed her eyes and shook her head. "We've already discussed this, Jason. It doesn't matter. In the end, it means the same thing."   
  
I knew it had been a rash move…one I didn't think she'd jump on. But I had tried. No, I knew I'd have to stay and fight for her. "Okay. But promise me something?"   
  
"What?"   
  
"The next time I ask you to go away with me, you'll say yes?"   
  
_If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home  
There's an awful lot of breathing room  
But I can hardly move  
If you're gone - baby you need to come home  
Cuz there's a little bit of something me  
In everything in you_  
  
"I can't promise that."   
  
"Please?"   
  
"I'll…" she trailed off. "I have to get back to work, Jason."   
  
"Elizabeth–"   
  
"We'll talk to again," she promised. I could tell it was on impulse, but Elizabeth reached out to cover my hand. "I meant what I said when I left Jason. I love you."   
  
I felt the sudden sting of tears in my eyes. I tugged on her hand and she sat back down. Leaning in, I whispered, "I love you too."   
  
"Do you mean it?"   
  
"I wouldn't say it, if I didn't."   
  
"I know." Elizabeth looked away from me and when she looked back, I could tell she was trying to hold back tears. "I miss you."   
  
My hand went up to cover her cheek and I sighed. "I miss you too."   
  
"What did we do so wrong?" she asked.   
  
"You didn't do anything wrong, Elizabeth. I messed up. I'm keeping secrets… and I still can't tell you. I'm working on something for Sonny…" I stopped, and realized that I shouldn't have said that.   
  
"You mean a project you started before he died?"   
  
"Some…something like that." It hurt to lie to her so much. And I wasn't really lying… I was just not telling her the truth. It hurt so much. "I can't tell you."   
  
"Can't or won't?" she questioned. I could see her lips twitch at the question.  
  
"Can't… I'd love to tell you. If I could tell you, we'd never be where we are now."   
  
"Oh."   
  
I finished the last of my coffee before standing. I dropped a fifty on the table and looked down at her. "I have to go."   
  
"Ok."   
  
"I'll be back…"   
  
She smiled. "You always say that."   
  
"And I always come back, don't I?"   
  
"I guess."   
  
My hands itched to touch her, so I stuffed them into my jacket pockets. It was then that I realized I wanted to taste her. To see if she still tasted like strawberry lip gloss… and I realized she'd probably taste like coffee too. I pursed my lips and looked away. "Have you thought about forgiving me?"   
  
"Jason…" she sighed.   
  
"Ok." I nodded and sighed deeply. I knew she would one day. She couldn't hate me forever. "I love you."   
  
"Bye."   
  
_I bet you're hard to get over  
I bet the room just won't shine  
I bet my hands I can stay here  
I bet you need - more than you mind_  
  


~*~*~*~*~

  
It was the first time I'd been back to see him since the night I walked away. I knew eventually I'd have to deal with him… I'd have to tell him I was thinking of quitting. When he asked why, I wondered what I'd say.   
  
Would it be because I no longer recognized who he was? That the darkness he used to fight so hard against was now surrounding everyone around him. Carly. Alexis. Zander. Me. And soon… Brenda. But I could never let that darkness touch Elizabeth.   
  
Sonny's head shot up when I entered the safe house. "Jason."   
  
_I think you're so mean - I think we should try  
I think I could need - this in my life  
I think I'm just scared - that I know too much  
I can't relate and that's a problem I'm feeling_  
  
"Yeah."   
  
"How's Carly?"   
  
I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration. "I'm fine Sonny, how are you? How's Carly? I don't know. Why don't you call her and ask her herself."   
  
"You know I can't–"   
  
"You know what Sonny? I'm the one who _can't_ anymore."   
  
"What-what do you mean?"   
  
"I mean I can't… do this anymore. I can't be the person you thought I was."   
  
"What're you talking about?"   
  
"I just walked away from the woman I love for you."   
  
"This is about Elizabeth?" he asked.   
  
"'This is about Elizabeth?' he asks." Jason mimicked. "Who else would it be about, Sonny?"   
  
"Jason… you need to calm down."  
  
"I'm calm!"   
  
"No, you're not."   
  
I sat down on the couch and buried my face in my hands. "I'm so tired of lying to the people I love for you, Sonny."   
  
"Jason…"   
  
"And then… when I look at you, I can't remember why I would lie. I don't even recognize who you are anymore."   
  
I looked up and locked eyes with him. "After this is over… I'm taking a vacation, reassessing my priorities. When I went to work for you, you gave me what I needed. And I don't need those things anymore."   
  
"You're quitting?"   
  
"I'm taking a vacation," I corrected. "I haven't decided if I want to quit yet."   
  
"Anything else?"   
  
"When I leave here tonight, I'm going to Elizabeth's studio and I'm telling her the truth."   
  
_If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home  
There's an awful lot of breathing room  
But I can hardly move  
If you're gone - baby you need to come home  
Cuz there's a little bit of something me  
In everything in you_  
  
"Jason–"  
  
_I think you're so mean - I think we should try  
I think I could need - this in my life  
I think I'm just scared - do I talk too much  
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing_  
  
"Don't 'Jason' me, Sonny. I'm not a little kid. I don't know why we didn't tell her in the first place. You told Carly."   
  
"Carly's my wife!" he shouted. "Jason, if you ruin our plan… if you throw everything away over some girl…"   
  
"She's not just _some girl_, Sonny. How did you miss me falling in love with her? I mean… was it when I went to Taggert for help, or AJ, or Edward. Was it when I turned this town upside down trying to find her? Even Carly gets it, Sonny. How did my _best friend_ miss it!?"   
  
"I didn't," he ground through clenched teeth. "I didn't miss a thing. But we've come to far for it all to go to waste because of some girl–"  
  
_If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home  
There's an awful lot of breathing room  
But I can hardly move  
If you're gone - baby you need to come home  
Cuz there's a little bit of something me  
In everything in you_  
  
"Why Sonny?" I asked. "I'm just following your lead…"   
  
"What're you talking about?"   
  
"You let our friendship go to waste over some girl."   
  
Song Credit: _If You're Gone_, Matchbox 20


	9. This Ain't a Love Song: Someday We'll K...

The rest of my shift at Kelly's went by without consequence. Courtney tried to make nice with me a few times, but I mostly ignored her. I knew I wasn't being fair… I knew she wasn't after Jason, but why couldn't she just tell me that? We weren't best friends or anything, and I didn't expect us to be, but she could have been more forthcoming about her relationship with Jason. But he could have been more forthcoming about his relationship with Courtney.   
  
_Ninety miles outside Chicago   
Can't stop driving   
I don't know why   
So many questions   
I need an answer   
Two years and later   
You're still on my mind_  
  
I did find myself hoping he would be back tonight. Every time the bell would ring, I'd looking hoping for him. I couldn't help it… I missed him. I glanced at the clock and sighed. Twenty minutes til closing time. I didn't think he'd be back tonight.   
  
"Hot date?" the blonde waitress asked.   
  
"Yeah," I answered her. I was careful to keep the amusement from my voice. "With my couch at the studio."   
  
"Oh…I thought–"   
  
"You thought Jason was coming back for me."   
  
"Well… yeah."   
  
"Jason's busy, Courtney. He's working on things right now. I have to respect that."   
  
"I know." She grabbed a dishrag and went to wipe the dining room tables. "You think it'd be okay if we locked up early? It's been kind of slow tonight."   
  
I glanced back at the clock and nodded. "Yeah. I don't want to be out to late. The docks are dangerous."   
  
"AJ's coming by to walk me home. We can drop you off at your building," she offered.   
  
"No, that's ok." I grabbed the pan of dishes on the counter and went towards the back. Courtney locked the door and then went back to the table. I could hear soft music from the jukebox.   
  
I did the few dishes with ease. It was never a job I minded to do, but there was usually a dishwasher in there at night. Lucas had to take off early tonight… Bobbie had said they were having dinner at the penthouse with Carly. I knew it would make my unexpected friend happy to have dinner with her mother and brother. I hoped it would ease some of the pain she was feeling from Sonny's death.  
  
_Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart?   
Who holds the stars up in the sky?   
Is true love just once in a lifetime?   
Did the captain of the Titanic cry?   
Ohhhh…_  
  
When I came back into the main room, Courtney was unplugging the jukebox and turning off the sign. I untied my apron and hung it on the rack. "I guess I'm gonna go. Remember to put your tips in the jar, we'll split them for the week tomorrow."   
  
"Elizabeth… will you please let AJ walk you back to the studio? I would feel better if you did."   
  
"I'll be fine, Courtney. I've made this walk thousands of times. Plus… if I know Jason, there's someone out there watching me."   
  
"How do you know that for sure?"   
  
"Because he always has someone watching me." I grabbed my purse from under the cash register and went around the counter. "He and Sonny… they promised they'd always look after me."   
  
"Can I ask you a question?"   
  
"You just did." My lips twitched at my own little joke, but I nodded. "Shoot."   
  
"What was he like?"   
  
"Who?"   
  
"My bro—Sonny. Before I came to town, what was he like?"   
  
_Someday we'll know   
If love can move a mountain   
Someday we'll know   
Why the sky is blue   
Someday we'll know   
Why I wasn't meant for you_  
  
"He was a good friend to me, for a long time. I didn't really know him until Jason left town the first time."   
  
"Was he…was he happy?"   
  
"With Carly?" I asked. "Yeah, I think so. Carly and I didn't really get along… but I think he was happy. But he changed. I'm not sure why he changed, but he did."   
  
"How?" she asked.   
  
"One minute… he was like the brother I never had. And then, the next, he didn't know me. He promised me he'd always look out for me, because of Jason, but I always thought he cared for me too. But in the end, I think I was just an extension of Jason."   
  
Courtney nodded. I knew my words could be angering her… but I didn't really care. She wanted the truth, and I'd given it to her. "Just because we're talking, it doesn't mean I'm over what happened, you know?"   
  
"Elizabeth–"   
  
"Courtney… do you know what it's like to know that you're crazy about someone, and then to find out he was watching someone you considered a friend take her clothes off night after night?"   
  
_Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?   
Or what the wind says when she cries?   
I'm speeding by the place that I met you   
For the ninety-seventh time tonight_  
  
Tears sprang to her eyes and I sighed. I didn't really want to see her cry. "I'm sorry–"   
  
"I don't want your apologies. I just…" I sighed. "I just wanna be mad for awhile."   
  
A knock on the glass startled us both. We looked up to find AJ in the window, smiling at us. I pulled my keys out of my purse and waited for her to gather her things. "Remember, you have to be here at five tomorrow. The docks crowd can be rough if they don't get their coffee. I'll be in at six thirty."   
  
I opened the door and smiled at Jason's brother. "Hey."   
  
"Hey yourself," he grinned. "You on your way home?"   
  
"Yeah."   
  
"Want us to walk with you?" he offered.   
  
"No… I've got my trusty can of mace. It's not far from here."   
  
"You okay?" he inquired.   
  
"Yeah… I'm fine."   
  
AJ nodded. I knew he didn't really believe me, but he wasn't going to press the issue. "I wanted to ask you something," he said. He looked between Courtney and me before he said, "I'll call you tonight?"   
  
"I'll be at home."   
  
"Okay."   
  
They waited until I locked the door until they left the courtyard. I sighed into the darkness, but turned towards my studio. I missed Jason. "Suck it up, Webber."   
  
_Someday we'll know   
If love can move a mountain   
Someday we'll know   
Why the sky is blue   
Someday we'll know   
Why I wasn't meant for you_  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
_Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah_  
  
Carly was waiting at my door when I got there. "Hey. I thought you were having dinner with your Mom."   
  
She closed her eyes and nodded. "I was… but I have to tell you something."   
  
"What's wrong?" I covered my mouth… it couldn't be. I mean… I know it couldn't be… I would _feel_ it, wouldn't I? "Carly… is it Jason?"   
  
"Jase is fine. I didn't mean to scare you. I haven't seen him, so I assume he's fine."   
  
"He is… he came by Kelly's earlier." I wiggled the door lock and finally it opened. "Come in."   
  
"Oh." The blonde followed me into the room and dropped her purse by the door. "So did you talk to him?"   
  
"A little." I dropped down on the couch and began to pull off my heeled boots. "He did most of the talking, but I listened."   
  
"And?" she pried.   
  
_Someday we'll know   
Why Samson loved Delilah   
One day I'll go   
Dancing on the moon   
Someday you'll know   
That I was the one for you_  
  
I moved to one side of the couch and motioned for Carly to sit down. I hadn't realized it, but I wanted someone to talk this over with. "It was good. He had to be somewhere, though."   
  
"Oh."   
  
"He told me he loves me."   
  
Carly smiled brightly. "It's about time he got his butt in gear."   
  
I reached down and began pulling off my boots. "It was nice to talk to him. And that's all we did… just talked."   
  
"So what does that mean?"   
  
"I…" I sighed. "I don't know. I still have valid reasons to be mad at him."   
  
"Agreed." Carly nodded her head. "But you can't be mad forever."   
  
"I don't intend to. I just…"   
  
"What kind of hoops are you going to make him jump through?"   
  
"W-what?"   
  
_I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow   
Watched the stars crash in the sea   
If I could ask God one question (one question...question)   
Why aren't you here with me tonight?_  
  
"I remember when I was living with Jason… she, Robin, would get mad at him, and she'd stay mad for days. And Jason was always making it up to her, doing whatever she wanted. The little witch would sit back and watch in amusement when he did all of these things for her. Just because he couldn't stand for her to be mad."   
  
"I'm not Robin, Carly."   
  
"I know that."   
  
"Do you really?" I asked. "When you look at me… what do you see?"   
  
"At first, I saw the similarities," Carly admitted honestly. "You're petite, with dark brown hair… you're his type."   
  
"'Type'"?   
  
"You fit the pattern, Elizabeth." Carly smoothed a hand down her black skirt. "You've just got more fire than the rest of them."   
  
"So you think Jason sees me as a Robin-substitute?"   
  
"No."   
  
"Then why did you say that?"   
  
"Chill," she ordered. Carly held up a hand to stop my next comment. "I didn't say anything, Elizabeth. I just asked if you were going to make him jump through hoops."   
  
"I'm not." I sighed and looked away. "Lucky used to do that… make me jump through hoops, I guess you call it. I hated it. Because no matter what I did… it was never enough. I was never enough for him. And I don't ever want Jason to feel like that."   
  
"You're good for him."   
  
I turned back to my one-time-nemesis and smiled gratefully. There was no way she could know what her approval meant to me. "Is there another reason you're here? Or just another one of Carly's pep talks?"   
  
I noticed that she absently twisted her wedding ring on her finger. Her face had tightened, and it was like she was fighting with herself over what she should tell me. "Carly? What is it?"   
  
"I…" she began. "I haven't been completely honest with you. About a lot of things."   
  
"Carly–"   
  
"Will you let me finish?"   
  
I raised my hands in surrender. "Sorry."   
  
"We argued for a long time about how much we should tell you. And Jason… he wanted to tell you everything." The blonde stopped and smiled. "He said he trusted you with his life, and so much more."   
  
Carly looked away and tugged the wedding ring off. I saw as she fisted it in her hand and winced. I knew she was struggling with something and I didn't want to push her. "You don't have to tell me now," I assured her.  
  
"Yes, I do." Carly looked me in the eyes and held my gaze. "You're mad at Jason, but he's not the only one you should be mad at… or I'm not even sure you should be mad at him. Yes, he didn't tell you… but he was only following Sonny's orders."   
  
"Carly…"   
  
"Elizabeth, please!" she cried. "I have to tell you something about Son–"   
  
_I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow   
Watched the stars crash in the sea   
If I could ask God one question (one question...question)   
Why aren't you here with me tonight?_  
  
A loud knock interrupted her sentence. I watched as Carly opened her mouth and then closed it again. The knocking continued and I glared at the door. "I should get that."   
  
"Elizabeth, I _have_ to tell you this."   
  
"I'll get rid of them," I promised.   
  
I crossed the room and opened the door. My heart broke at the sight in front of me. He looked pale… and hurt… and had he been crying? It looked like it. I sucked in a breath and reached out to him.   
  
_Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah   
  
Someday we'll know   
Why Samson loved Delilah   
One day I'll go   
Dancing on the moon   
Someday you'll know   
That I was the one for you_  
  
"Jason."   
  
Song Credit: "Someday We'll Know," Mandy Moore, featuring Jonathan Foreman


	10. This Ain't a Love Song: Somewhere Out T...

_Last time I talked to you,  
you were lonely and out of place.  
  
You were looking down on me,  
lost out in space._  
  
I had wanted to say it for so long that I was surprised when the words came out of my mouth. I hadn't expected it to be different… sadder. I hadn't expected to feel so liberated.  
  
"What did you say?"   
  
"You heard me." The anger from a minute ago was gone. Now all I felt was… relief.   
  
Sonny pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. He looked up at his friend… the one person who had never let him down. The person who had been there no matter what. And Sonny didn't recognize him. "Do you really feel like that?"   
  
I rolled my neck and felt the bones pop and looked away. My fists clenched at my sides, hoping to relieve some tension. "I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it."   
  
"Oh." I looked away again and swallowed. It was hitting me now. My friend was _gone_. "She's going to leave me, you know. After I tell her."   
  
"Then don't."   
  
God, he made it sound so simple. "And then what Sonny?" I shouted. Closing my eyes, I took in a deep breath. "What happens when surprise, you're not dead? You're not the one she's going to look at with those eyes… you're not the one she's going to hate."   
  
"Do you hate me?"   
  
_Laid underneath the stars,  
strung out and feeling brave.  
  
Watch the red orange glow,  
watch them float away._  
  
I blinked. "What kind of question is that?"   
  
"A simple question." He still had that commanding tone in his voice. "Do you hate me?"   
  
"I hate what you've become," I answered honestly. "I look at you… and I mean I really look and I try to find the person you used to be. I just want to know what happened to him."   
  
Sonny sat down on the couch and rubbed his eyes with his fingers. "Brenda died… Hannah betrayed me… I slept with Carly, and destroyed you. My baby died… so much happened. How did you miss it, Jason?"   
  
"I didn't." My voice was low, but I knew he could hear me. "You… you stopped needing me. You stopped wanting my help. Suddenly there was Carly and she became enough. I was happy for you, because you understood that I could never love her like she deserved. And you can. You do. I'm happy for the both of you. But in the process of finding your happiness, you lost sight of our friendship and me. You… I became just another employee to you, Sonny."   
  
"That's not true."   
  
"Sonny, I will never forget the day I came to you because Lucky had just attacked me on the docks and I was… I was upset because of Elizabeth, and you told me that you needed me focused on _your_ family. What I felt didn't matter to you. It hasn't in a long time."   
  
"Jason…"   
  
"I have to go," I said abruptly. "I have to go and explain what's going on to her… don't worry, I'll make sure your precious secret is safe. I just hope she doesn't hate me."   
  
"We're not finished, Jason."   
  
I stopped at the door, my hand on the knob. I looked back at the man who pulled me from the streets and gave me a life and shook my head sadly. "Yes, we are." And then I left.   
  
_Down here in the atmosphere,  
garbage and city lights,  
you gotta save your tired soul,  
you gotta save our lives.  
  
Turn on the radio,  
to find you on satellite,  
I'm waiting for the sky to fall,  
I'm waiting for a sign._  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
I had hoped she was asleep, but of course she wasn't. Brenda was never anything I wanted her to be. She was loud when I wanted her to quiet down. She was funny when I was trying to be serious. And now… she was sick when I wanted her to be well.   
  
"Hey."   
  
I leaned against the door jam and nodded. "Hey."   
  
"What's up?"   
  
"I came…" I looked away, almost embarrassed. "I came to ask your advice."   
  
Brenda crossed her arms over her chest and cocked an eyebrow. "Okay, now I know you must be desperate."   
  
I gave her a half-smile, but then felt my serious face slip back on. "I've been keeping a secret. A pretty big secret. And I'm about to tell Elizabeth the truth… the whole truth. I need to know how to do it."   
  
"How to do what?"   
  
"Destroy her faith in me."   
  
Her mouth formed into a silent 'O' and then she smiled. "You really love this girl, don't you?"   
  
_All we are is all so far._  
  
"Yeah I do." I rubbed the back of my neck and told her, "Alcazar's been caught. You can leave when you're ready."   
  
Brenda's face seemed to gain new light. "Seriously?"   
  
"Yes."   
  
She jumped off the bed and towards me. Her arms wrapped around my neck effortlessly and I hugged her gently and patted her back. "Where do you think you'll go?"   
  
"Back to Europe. I want to die there. I was happy… at least until Luis changed."   
  
"Not here?" I asked. I had to admit, I was a bit surprised.   
  
She shook her and looked away, but then quickly back to my face. "I don't want the people I love to know that I'm sick. I stayed away because I never wanted Sonny or Jax to see me like this… and I don't want anyone to watch me die."   
  
"Brenda," I sighed. "Everyone…" I looked away from her unrelenting gaze. The guilt was beginning to eat at me. I needed to get out of there. "Everyone deserves to have the people they love around them when they die, you know that."   
  
_You're falling back to me,  
the star that I can't see.  
I know you're out there,  
somewhere out there._  
  
"Sonny's dead, Jason. And Jax is married. Who's left? Robin? She's in Europe, I might go to Paris. But other than her, there's no one else."   
  
"That's not true."   
  
"Who else?" she asked. "Who? You?"   
  
"Yeah," I answered her. "Me."   
  
"You don't mean that. You don't even _like_ me."   
  
I nodded in agreement. "But I'll always care. I owe that much to Sonny. You knew the Sonny who was so important to me… you knew why I was so loyal to him, even if you never understood it. And I owe that to him and to you to always be there for you."   
  
"What about Elizabeth?"   
  
"She gets it. And actually, I think it might be something that she loves about me."   
  
Brenda smiled again. "I could see that."   
  
"I should go."   
  
"Just tell her, Jason. If she loves you like I think she does, she'll understand. She might be upset… but she'll understand."   
  
"I hope."   
  
I could tell it was on impulse, but Brenda reached up to kiss my cheek. She wiped the lipstick smudge off with her finger and smiled. "Don't want your girl thinking you're cheating on her."   
  
I could only grimace on how accurate she was. "I'll get you out of here soon," I promised. "Then you can decide how you want to live your life."   
  
"Thanks Jason."   
  
_You're falling out of reach,  
defying gravity,  
I know you're out there,  
somewhere out there._  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
_Hope you remember me,  
when you're homesick and need a change.  
I miss your purple hair,  
I miss the way you taste.  
  
I know you'll come back someday,  
on a bed of nails I wait.  
I'm praying that you don't burn out,  
or fade away._  
  
It was the longest walk in my whole life. It was like I was finally about to face the firing squad, getting ready to pay for all of my sins. When her building came into sight, I could only stop and wonder if this would be the last time I was ever invited in. If this would be the last time Elizabeth ever looked at me with that look in her eyes. That look of love that I needed so much.   
  
"Sooner or later," I muttered before I took the last few steps to her building. I took the steps to her floor two at a time, eager to see her. I knocked before I let myself think about it anymore.   
  
When she opened the door, I knew she could see everything I was feeling. The hurt… the anger. The sense of loss. When Elizabeth reached out for me, I took a step back.   
  
_All we are is all so far_  
  
"Jason."   
  
I closed my eyes and squeezed them tight. "I need to talk to you."   
  
"Jason–" Except that voice wasn't Elizabeth's, it was Carly's.   
  
"Carly," I said, coming into the studio. I took one look at her and I knew why she was there. She was going to tell Elizabeth before I got a chance. Since we were both still standing, I knew she hadn't yet. "I need to speak with Elizabeth. I need you to go home, and wait for me there."   
  
"Jase," she protested.   
  
"Carly." My voice was stern, leaving no room for argument.   
  
Carly huffed, but grabbed her purse. I walked her out the door, my arm on her elbow. "I'm telling her," I said in a low voice. "Let me be the bad guy."   
  
"You don't have to do this," she pleaded. "Jason… it's not fair. You're the one person who didn't do anything wrong, but you have the most to lose."   
  
"I'll be okay," I promised her. "I'll see you when I get home."   
  
_You're falling back to me,  
the star that I can't see.  
I know you're out there,  
somewhere out there.  
  
You're falling out of reach,  
defying gravity,  
I know you're out there,  
somewhere out there._  
  
"Okay." Carly turned back to Elizabeth and smiled. "I'll see you later, I hope."   
  
Elizabeth nodded. "Yeah. I'll try to drop by the penthouse… maybe we can finish our talk."   
  
Carly smiled. "I'd like that." With one more look at me, she was gone.   
  
I turned back to Elizabeth and sighed inwardly. This was not going to be pretty. "Can I come in?"   
  
"Yeah." Elizabeth busied herself at the artist's table, straightening and restraightening. "What's up?"   
  
I reached out to touch her, but my hand dropped back to my side. Somehow I knew that touching her would make it all the much harder. "Elizabeth…"   
  
She turned to face me and her smile faded. "What's wrong?"   
  
"I… I haven't been completely honest with you."   
  
_You're falling back to me,  
the star that I can't see.  
I know you're out there, oh.  
You're falling out of reach,  
defying gravity...._  
  
I watched as she closed her eyes and sighed deeply. "What do you mean?"   
  
"I've been keeping something from you." I rubbed a hand over my face and shook my head. God, this was hard. "It's about what I've been doing…"   
  
"For Sonny?" she asked.   
  
For a moment I thought Carly _had_ told her, but then she said, "That last project you were working on when he died?"   
  
"Yeah. That."   
  
She looked at me expectantly, waiting for the words to come… but I couldn't think of any. "Jason…"   
  
_I know you're out there,  
somewhere out there._  
  
"Sonny's alive," I blurted out.   
  
Her eyes widened. "Come again?"   
  
"It was fake… a hoax. Sonny's alive."   
  
_You're falling back to me,  
the star that I can't see.  
I know you're out there,  
somewhere out there._  
  
"This is a joke," she said. "A really sick joke, but a joke, right?" Her eyes pleaded with me to tell her the punch line. "Jason!" she exclaimed. "It's a joke."   
  
"No," I told her. "It's not. It's real. Sonny is alive… he's in a safe house across town."   
  
Then her face hardened and she looked at me in a way I never knew she could. I felt my heart stop beating… I felt the pain explode inside of me. I sighed deeply. "Let me explain."   
  
_You're falling out of reach,  
defying gravity,  
I know you're out there,  
somewhere out there.  
  
You're falling back to me._  
  
"No," she said crisply. "I want you to leave." Marching to the door, Elizabeth yanked it open. "Get out."   
  
_Well I know,  
I know.  
  
You're falling out of reach._  
  
Song Credit: _Somewhere Out There_, Our Lady Peace


	11. This Ain't a Love Song: Forgive

"Elizabeth…"   
  
_I always said that'd be it  
That I wouldn't stick around if it ever came to this  
Here I am, so confused  
How am I supposed to leave when I can't even move?  
In the time it would have took to say "honey I'm home, how was your day?"  
You dropped the bomb right where we live  
And just expect me to forgive..._  
  
"Did you not hear me?" I asked. I looked at Jason and then to the door. "Get out."   
  
"No."   
  
"No?" I asked. "I want you to leave, Jason!"   
  
He held up his hand to cut off my protests. "Not until you let me at least attempt to explain."   
  
Except I didn't want to hear any of his damn excuses. He _lied_ to me. _Jason_ lied to me. "What's there to explain?" I asked.   
  
"Will you come inside and close the door?"   
  
I slammed the door so hard that the pictures on the wall rattled. If it had been my old door, I was sure the glass would have shattered. "Talk," I ordered.   
  
Jason gestured to the seat next to him on my couch. "Please sit down."   
  
"I don't want to sit down!"   
  
"Fine." Jason sighed and looked down at his hands. "A few weeks ago, Roy DiLucca came to Sonny with orders from Luis Alcazar to kill him."   
  
Jason looked up at me then, expecting some sort of reaction. When I didn't have one, he continued. "They came up with a plan, so that it looked like Roy had shot Sonny. The plan went off without a hitch, except one thing."   
  
"What's that?" I asked. My voice was short and filled with anger.   
  
"The woman who met him… the person we were going to meet. It was Brenda Barrett."   
  
"She's dead."   
  
"No," he told me, "she's not. She's not even close to dead."   
  
This wasn't real… it couldn't be real. There was no way. People just didn't die, and then be undead. "So it was a hoax?"   
  
"Yeah."   
  
"What a sick, sick joke, Jason. Poor Carly—"   
  
_Well that's a mighty big word for such a small man  
And I'm not sure I can  
Cause I don't even know now who I am  
It's too soon for me to say forgive_  
  
"She knew," he interrupted. "She found out right before the funeral. That's the way Sonny wanted it."   
  
I closed my eyes and felt the hot tears spill down my cheeks. All of this time I thought Carly and I were finally getting somewhere… we were being nice to each other. I baked her brownies. And she'd been lying to me too. Then I realized why she was at the studio. "She wanted to tell me."   
  
Jason nodded his head in confirmation. "That's why she was here tonight."   
  
I covered my eyes with my hand and groaned. "I am such a fool. I'm an idiot."   
  
Then Jason was standing in front of me. His hand pulled my hand away and he looked down at me. "No, you aren't."   
  
"I think you need to go," I told him. I had calmed some, but I was still angry.  
  
"Elizabeth…"   
  
"Do you know what it's like to realize that the one person who was supposed to always be there, who was supposed to always be truthful has lied you? I never thought you'd do this."   
  
"I realize more than you know."   
  
"It wasn't Courtney's lipstick, was it?" I asked.   
  
"No."   
  
"Brenda?"   
  
"I…I think." Jason took a step back to give me some space. "I can't be sure. That night… she had a nightmare. She hugged me. Afterwards, we fought. I went to Sonny and told him I had to get out of there for a little while. I went to the docks and Courtney was there, she was being mugged. I… and then you were there. You saw the lipstick. I'm sorry, Elizabeth."   
  
"I don't want you sorry."   
  
"What can I do?" he asked. Jason took a step forward again, hoping to pull me into his arms, I could tell. "What do you want me to do?"   
  
"Just… leave."   
  
"I quit," he said.   
  
"Come again?" I asked.   
  
"I quit working for Sonny tonight. Because of what this is doing to you."   
  
"What're you talking about?"   
  
"I don't want this life to touch you, Elizabeth. I… I don't want you to ever look at me like you don't know me. I just want to spend my life with you, no obstacles." His hand settled into my hair and I was tempted to lean into his touch. "I told you that I love you. And I mean it. A few weeks ago, I told you that I would have to leave during the night, and that I wouldn't always be able to answer your questions. But sometimes in the last few days, I realized that I want that. I want… I want to be with you."   
  
This wasn't happening… it couldn't be happening. "You have to go." God, was that my voice? I didn't even recognize it. "You have to leave. I can't… I can't do this, Jason."   
  
"Don't make me leave," he pleaded. I looked up and could see his tears. This couldn't be happening.   
  
"I can't look at you, Jason. I can't… I don't know what to do."   
  
Somehow we changed places, Jason was leaning against the artists' table and I was on the couch. We were staring at each other, not talking. I'm not even sure if we were breathing. I was so tired… and I hurt so much. I… I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again. I wanted to believe this was all a bad dream.   
  
"Elizabeth?" he asked.   
  
"I can't do this," I whispered. I looked down at the floor as tears silently fell from my eyes. I hadn't even realized I was crying… it hurt so much.   
  
"Look at me?" Jason moved away from the table and came to where I was sitting. He crouched down in front of me and put his hands on my thighs to balance himself. "Please, look at me."   
  
"I can't…"   
  
"I'm sorry." His voice was nothing but a whisper. I could hear him pleading with me to understand, begging me to forgive him. "I'm so sorry."   
  
"I made friends with Carly. God… I made a fool out of myself."   
  
Jason pushed the hair back from my face and shook his head. He ran his fingers through my hair and said, "No. Don't _ever_ think that."   
  
"She must have laughed at me, Jason. Poor, pathetic Lizzie Webber… I baked her brownies."   
  
"You did?"   
  
I nodded. "I had to do something. And I used to hear Sonny fuss at Carly for eating junk food. I just… I just wanted to help."   
  
"You did," he promised. Jason leaned forward and kissed my forehead. "I'm sorry."   
  
"I…" A sob broke from my chest and it shook my entire body. I had thought that it hurt when I walked away from him on the docks, or when I didn't take his hand in the park… but nothing, _nothing_ compared to this.   
  
"I'm sorry I let you down," he whispered. "I tried so hard… I wanted to tell you, Elizabeth. I knew it would hurt you."   
  
I looked up at him then. I could see in his eyes that he meant it. I knew he loved me. I could always tell. It was in the way he looked at me, the way he held me. The way he… the way he was always honest with me. "You have to go."   
  
"No."  
  
"Yes," I insisted. "I can't… I can't do this anymore, Jason."   
  
"Elizabeth."   
  
"It's over. We… don't work. We never worked, Jason."   
  
"You don't believe that," he argued. He took my face in his hands and made me look at him. "I see it in your eyes. You don't believe it. I don't believe it either."   
  
"It's over," I whispered.   
  
"No."   
  
I reached out and pulled his face to mine. I kissed him lightly… just a gentle touch of our lips, but it was enough to set sparks off throughout my body. I knew he was right. I didn't believe it. And I knew it would never really be over. Jason would always be the one… he'd always be the one I never knew about. He would always be the one I wanted to spend forever with.  
  
"Goodbye," I whispered.   
  
_So get you some things  
And get out  
Don't call me for a day or two  
So I can sort this out  
Well you might as well have ripped the life right out of me  
Right here tonight  
And through the ballin tears you said  
"Can you ever just forgive?"_  
  
"No."   
  
I nodded my head, fresh tears spilling from my eyes. "It has to be this way. At least for now."   
  
"If you need me…"   
  
"I won't."   
  
"If you do."   
  
"I'll come."   
  
"I love you," he promised. "More than anything. I… I'll wait for you."   
  
"Jason, some things are worth leaving behind."   
  
He smiled then. It was a thin line, it barely pulled on the corner of his lips. "You aren't one of them. I love you."   
  
"I know." I waited for him to get up, waited for him to leave. But he didn't. He just sat there, staring at me. I knew he could read the secrets I held deep within. I could tell he knew how wrong this was.   
  
"Will you lock the door when I leave?"   
  
I smiled a little. Always concerned with my safety. "Yeah."   
  
He straightened and immediately reached for me. His hand closed around mine as he pulled me to my feet. "If you need me…"   
  
"I'll come," I promised him again.   
  
"It's not goodbye," he told me.  
  
"Okay." All of the energy had left my body. The need to sleep again was strong. I just… I had to sleep.   
  
"You'll forgive me someday, won't you?"   
  
_You know what they say  
Forgive and forget  
Relive and regret_  
  
"Someday," I promised.   
  
"Just not today."   
  
He stood at the door, barely outside of the archway and I started to close it slowly. "Someday," I whispered.   
  
He was still there when I closed the door. His face was one of self-hatred. He looked as if I had ripped his heart out – it was possible that I had. I hoped he knew that I loved him. That I had never loved anyone quite like I loved him "I… I'm sorry, Jason."  
  
I slid down the metal door and cried.   
  
_Oh...it's too soon for me to say forgive_  
  
Song Credit: _Forgive_, Rebecca Lynn Howard


	12. This Ain't a Love Song: Shameless

I stumbled into Harborview sometime after midnight. After I left Elizabeth's studio, I just started walking. And somehow ended up at Vista Point. It was probably the one place I needed to avoid most. The memories of us there consumed me, filling me with sadness. I already missed her, even though I didn't believe she was gone. So I sat there for a while, listening to the quiet, trying to shut up the voices inside of my head. There were so many things I should have told her… but it was too late now.   
  
After Vista Point I walked by the studio again, but the lights were out. I didn't want to wake her, so I just went home. Except Carly was waiting in my living room. I sighed when I saw her and shook my head slightly. I just wanted to go to bed.   
  
_Well I'm shameless when it comes to loving you  
I'll do anything you want me to   
I'll do anything at all._  
  
"Hey."   
  
"You look like hell." I could hear the laugh in her voice. She was probably right.   
  
I didn't dignify her statement with a response. Just walked by her to the kitchen for a beer. I heard Carly get up to follow me.  
  
"It was bad, wasn't it?"   
  
I twisted the cap off and took a long swallow. I licked my lips when I was finished and dropped the beer in the sink. "It was bad."   
  
"Why didn't you let me tell her?"   
  
"It was my mistake, Carly. My responsibility."   
  
"Is she gone?"   
  
"I…" I sighed. "I'm not sure. She loves me. And I love her. I'm not giving up. But I think I need to let her come to me on her own terms."   
  
"Oh."   
  
I smiled at my oldest friend and hugged her gently. "Is it killing you to be nice to her?"   
  
"No," she answered me. "I got to know her. And you're right, she does love you."   
  
_And I'm standing here for all the world to see  
Oh baby, that's what's left of me   
Don't have very far to fall_  
  
I looked around the kitchen, suddenly grateful that I wouldn't have a lot of things to take with me. Just the upstairs bedroom, the pool table, and a couch. "I'm moving."   
  
"Come again?"  
  
"Moving. I can't live here anymore."   
  
"Jason–"   
  
I cut in on her, "It's already decided. I quit tonight."   
  
"Jason…" Carly looked away and I could see the tears prick at her eyes.   
  
"Hey, hey." I took her chin in my hand and smiled at her. "My decision. I… I don't recognize Sonny anymore, Carly. And all of the reasons that I started working for him don't hold up anymore."   
  
"Is this about her?"   
  
"Elizabeth?" I asked. "Yeah, in a way. It's about how Sonny regards Elizabeth's place in my life. It's the fact that he's decided my priorities should be him, you, the business, Courtney, whatever menial tasks he has for me, and then Elizabeth."   
  
"That's not true."   
  
I nodded. "It is. Somehow, somewhere Sonny changed. And you… you've accepted those changes, Carly. Because you love him. But I can't. Sonny taught me everything I know about honor and loyalty and respect. In the last few days I've realized that I don't respect him, I don't think he has any honor, and I was loyal to the idea of being loyal."   
  
_You know now I'm not a man who's ever been   
Insecure about the world I've been living in   
I don't break easy, I have my pride   
But if you need to be satisfied_  
  
"Jason–"   
  
"I've already quit, Carly. I… I'm going to call Alexis and beg her to help me."   
  
"Alexis hates you."   
  
"Alexis…" I sighed. I could still remember the tirade at Kristina's funeral. But I didn't think she hated me. "If not her, someone. The only thing I want is full control of the coffee warehouse. You tell him that, okay? Tell him that I just want the coffee warehouse… I'll keep his damn secrets, and I'll look after myself. But he's on his own."   
  
"Are you sure?"   
  
"I have to." I hugged her again, held on a little longer this time. I wasn't sure when I'd see her again. And through it all, Carly had never abandoned me. Even when she slept with Sonny. "I'm the one who has to look myself in the mirror every night… and I can't keep doing that if I work for Sonny. I hate who I've become and it's time to fix it."   
  
"Okay."   
  
"Okay?"   
  
Carly reached up to touch my face. Her fingers smoothed through my hair and down to the back of my neck. "You're my best friend, Jase. And no matter what's happened, I'll always be there for you. If you're sure…" she paused and looked away. "If you're sure you can love this girl forever, you go after her, okay? And you fight. Don't let her walk away. Because she's worth it."   
  
_I'm shameless, oh honey, I don't have a prayer  
Every time I see you standin' there   
I go down upon my knees._  
  
"Thanks."   
  
She closed her eyes and nodded. Then she smiled. "I can't believe I just gave you permission to go after Lizzie Webber."   
  
"Stranger things have happened," I mused.   
  
"True." Carly stifled a yawn and shook her head. "I have to go to bed. Michael's flying home in the morning."   
  
"Would it… would it be okay if I came to see him before I left?"   
  
"You're leaving tomorrow?"   
  
I nodded. "I don't want to be here when Sonny gets back."   
  
"Oh." Carly started towards the door, but stopped. "Where are you going to live?"   
  
"I have a few ideas. I'll let you know later."   
  
"Okay."   
  
I watched as she left without another word. I played a short game of pool before I climbed the stairs to my bedroom. My body was so tired, even though my mind was alive. I lay there for a long time listening to the inside of my head before sleep finally claimed me. My last thought was of Elizabeth.   
  
_And I'm changing, swore I'd never compromise  
Oh, but you convinced me otherwise  
I'll do anything you please._  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
The first person I visited the next morning was Alexis Davis. I could tell that she was planning on working at home that day. Her jogging pants were in place, a maternity shirt displayed her ever-swelling stomach. She'd pulled her hair back in a ponytail and the black-rim glasses were perched on her nose.   
  
"Jason."   
  
I creased the legal document in my hand, folding it and then unfolding it. "I know… I know you don't like me, Alexis. But I need your help."   
  
"Why didn't you tell me Alcazar was responsible for Kristina's death?"   
  
"Alexis…"   
  
She held the door open and moved out of the way. "Come in." After I had entered, she closed the door. "I… I crucified you, Jason. You and Sonny, and you just _took_ it."   
  
"It wasn't my place to tell you differently."   
  
"You should have said something!"   
  
"Alcazar has been taken care of, Alexis. You won't have to worry about him anymore."   
  
"He's…" she cleared her throat. "He's dead?"   
  
"Yes."   
  
"Oh." Moving past me, she settled into the couch. It was then that she noticed the document in my hand. "What's that?"   
  
"I want to make sure I have sole ownership of the coffee warehouse."   
  
"Come again?"   
  
"I'm leaving the business. I want to start over. And the only thing I want is the import/export business."   
  
"Why?"   
  
"Personal reasons." I looked down and then back up at her. "I can't tell you. But you'll know soon enough."   
  
"Okay," she accepted the answer. "I can look at it, and tell you what it says."   
  
I handed her the document. "I appreciate it."   
  
She adjusted her glasses and gave me a quick smile. "Are you gonna tell me what I'm looking for?"   
  
"Since Sonny is legally dead, I want to know if the business goes directly to me. It doesn't get split between me and someone else, does it?"   
  
"Okay. Let me look at it."   
  
"Thanks."   
  
It only took her a few minutes to read through the contract. When she looked up she was smiling. "It's yours."   
  
"Are you sure?"   
  
"Yes." Alexis pointed to a paragraph in the contract and read it aloud to me. "Under any circumstances, should one undersigned party perish the other, living, undersigned party is to retain immediate and solitary control of the property, its assets, and any revenue it generates."   
  
I sighed in relief. "When can I file those papers?"   
  
"How long has Sonny been dead?"   
  
I looked down at my watch and mentally counted the days. "It'll be a week in twelve hours."   
  
"I can file them today."   
  
"His death is still a pending investigation."   
  
She shook her head. "Doesn't matter. There was no foul play clause. You are legally the owner of Corinthos-Morgan Import/Export."   
  
I smiled at her words. "It's that simple?"   
  
She nodded. "You'll have the papers by the end of the day. Where should I send them?"   
  
"To my brother's apartment. The address is 2956 Heron St. Apartment 3H."   
  
"What about the penthouse?"   
  
"I'll be there by the end of the day."   
  
"Okay." Alexis began to hoist herself off of the couch, and I reached out a hand to help her up. "I'll have a messenger send these to the court."   
  
"Thank you, Alexis. You didn't have to do this."   
  
She closed her eyes and smiled. "Yes, I did." Her hand smoothed over her rounding belly and she looked up at me. "You were one of his victims too, Jason."   
  
"I made the decision, Alexis. It was my call."   
  
"Yes, it was. And you've done things I don't always agree with. But you're getting out now… you saw what he turned into before he died. And I'm proud of you."   
  
"Thank you." I looked down and away. "I have to go."   
  
"Okay. I'll get those papers to you by five."   
  
I took her hand and smiled. "Thanks again."   
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
_You see in all my life I've never found   
What I couldn't resist, what I couldn't turn down  
I could walk away from anyone I ever knew   
But I can't walk away from you._  
  
The next stop was my brother's apartment. Courtney had told me they were leaving by noon today, so I hoped I wasn't too late. From the boxes stacked up beside the door and the cursing coming from inside, I could only guess that I wasn't.   
  
I knocked on the frame and called, "AJ!" into the living room.   
  
He emerged from the bedroom, carrying a stack of boxes that he dropped on the floor where the couch used to be. "Jase."   
  
I reached into my jacket pocket and pulled out the envelope of cash and the lease of the place. We had discussed this earlier, after Courtney told me they might be interested in subleasing this place. "I have the papers. You just need to sign them."   
  
"Are you sure?" he asked.   
  
"I'm sure I don't want to live in the penthouse anymore."   
  
Courtney came out of the bedroom, her hair tied back in a bandana. "Hey Jason."   
  
_I have never let anything have this much control over me   
I work too hard to call my life my own   
I have never let anything have this much control over me  
I work too hard to call my life my own   
And I've made myself a world and it's worked so perfectly  
But it's your world now, I can't refuse   
I've never had so much to lose   
Oh, I'm shameless._  
  
I nodded at her. "You're not backing out, are you?"   
  
"No."   
  
"I have men packing up my penthouse right now. I want to be in this place as soon as possible."   
  
"What happened Jason?" AJ asked. "What changed?"   
  
I shrugged. "I changed."   
  
AJ took the pen Courtney was holding out to him. "Are you sure?" he asked again.   
  
"Yes."   
  
I held my breath as he scribbled his name across the bottom of the page, and then Courtney did the same. "The rent information is in the kitchen cabinet. And we…" he looked away. "There's information for how you can contact us there, too. Our lease is only for a few months longer, so if you finish it up, you can contract with the land lord then."   
  
"Thanks." I held out my hand to him, hoping he would take it. When he did, I exhaled.   
  
"Thank you, Little Brother."   
  
I smiled at Courtney who was smiling at the both of us. "When do you leave?"   
  
"The car is packed now. As soon as we get these last few boxes down, we're gone."   
  
"Okay. I'll help."   
  
"No, that's okay."   
  
"AJ," I said. "Just say yes."   
  
He smiled. "Yes."   
  
_You know it should be easy for a man who's strong   
To say he's sorry or admit when he's wrong   
I've never lost anything I've ever missed   
But I've never been in love like this._  
  
As we carried the boxes down the stairs, I told Courtney about what happened the night before with Elizabeth. I hadn't realized it, but somewhere along the way she and I had become friends. AJ listened and offered advice every now and again. Both of them agreed that once she got over being upset (even though they wondered what she was upset about – and that, I couldn't tell them) that she would come to me. I could only hope they were right.   
  
_It's out of my hands.   
  
I'm shameless, I don't have the power now  
I don't want it anyhow   
So I got to let it go._  
  
That night, after I had gotten myself moved into the tiny apartment I sat on the leather couch, the brown afghan beside me. I still hadn't returned it to her. I was hoping she would come for it.   
  
True to her word, Alexis had sent the papers over and it was clear. The coffee business was mine, free and clear. I had already called Carly and she wanted to bring Michael over tomorrow morning. I even went to the grocery store for some basic things to put in my cabinets and refrigerator. Sooner or later I would have to start taking better care of myself. With no one there to look after me, no one to remind to eat or sleep, I knew I'd have to do it for myself.   
  
As I read the papers, I realized I was no longer Jason Morgan, _Mob Enforcer_. I was just… Jason Morgan. I owned a coffee warehouse on the docks, I was in love with Elizabeth Webber. My best friend was Carly Corinthos and my brother and his wife lived in New York City, a relatively short motorcycle ride from here.   
  
I got up and cut the lights out and went to lie back on the couch. I pulled my motorcycle boots off and stretched out on the brown leather. I wrapped the afghan around my upper body, holding it close, refusing to let go.   
  
_Oh, I'm shameless, shameless as a man can be  
You make a total fool of me   
I just wanted to you to know.   
  
Oh, I'm shameless, I just wanted you to know   
Oh, I'm shameless, Oh, I'm down on my knees_  
  
And now… I just had to wait for someday to come.   
  
Song Credit: _Shameless_, Garth Brooks


	13. This Ain't a Love Song: Even Angels Fal...

I looked around at the one place I had called home and meant it and felt a pang of loss. I hadn't expected for it to come so soon. But with the city rezoning the docks, this building would no longer be residential. And on top of that, someone new had bought the building and was planning to set up offices. Therefore leaving me homeless.   
  
I reached down and grabbed the black and white suitcase and felt a flood of memories hitting me. I smiled when I realized that most of them belonged to Jason. I was fortunate that Lucky never tarnished this place. I knew the reason he never liked it. He never felt like he belonged there… and it was true. I wasn't the same Elizabeth Webber who had loved him in this place. And I could never be that girl again.   
  
Sure, we had talked some in the last few months. I wouldn't go so far as to say we were friends… but it was something new. Something different. Something we hadn't done before. I also had the one solitary memory of Zander in my studio. Probably the biggest mistake I'd ever made. Well, second biggest. The first took place in the park…   
  
I looked back at the place one last time before I left. I shut the big, sturdy door Jason had put up for me. I grabbed the baseball bat that was leaning next to the wall and smiled. Now, it was time to go somewhere else.   
  
I made the ten-minute walk to the apartment complex I was moving into quickly. Well, I _hoped_ I was moving in there. It wasn't really something I had discussed with him. I stopped briefly in front of _Morgan Coffee Imports_ and smiled. Jason really had broken away from Sonny and I was proud of him. He was learning how to be his own man. From what I'd read in the paper, Alexis had helped him get full control of the Elm Street dock and the coffee warehouse. It was the only thing he had asked for when the assets were split.   
  
I wasn't really sure what to think of them not being partners anymore. I'd seen Sonny a few times since his reemergence into the land of the living. I couldn't avoid him -- I found out Carly was pretty good at being a friend. Sure, she always took Jason's side over mine, but I had expected that. Carly also felt that Sonny was wrong to exclude me from their club. She was mad at him for a different reason, though. Apparently she hadn't been told about Brenda either. That didn't really matter to me, though. Point was… I was out of it. And Jason was out of it.   
  
The elevator was broken so I climbed the stairs to the third floor. It was a small metal door. And on the other side was my whole world.   
  
I sat the suitcase on the floor and leaned the bat against the wall. My palms were moist with perspiration – nerves, I told myself. I probably should've asked him before I showed up at his home like this. But I didn't have anywhere else to go. I certainly couldn't afford another apartment. Granted, he'd probably give me the money if I asked for it.   
  
"Suck it up," I whispered. I took a step forward and knocked.   
  
I clenched my fists so tight that my fingernails cut into my palms. It was taking so long that I was beginning to think he wasn't home. Great. Just great. Now I'd have to wait. "Oh well," I muttered.   
  
And then the door open. There he stood, a dishtowel in his hands. He was wearing a red shirt tucked neatly into worn blue jeans. His eyes widened in shock. I could tell that I was the last person he expected. I should have called.   
  
_You've found hope  
You've found faith,  
Found how fast she could take it away.  
Found true love,  
Lost your heart.  
Now you don't know who you are._  
  
"Hi."   
  
I shifted from foot to foot and finally looked up to meet his gaze. "I should have called," I blurted out.   
  
"It's okay."   
  
I twisted my fingers together and chewed on my lower lip. "Are you sure?"   
  
Jason nodded. He looked down then and caught sight of my suitcase. "What's going on?"   
  
"I…" I stopped, could feel the heat rising to my cheeks. "I need a place to stay. They're rezoning so I got kicked out of the studio, and it's going to be business only, so I don't have anywhere to live. I could go to Gram's, but she's on vacation in Europe right now. And I don't have the money to get another place. I didn't have anywhere else to go..." In my mind, I was hearing all of the things I wasn't saying. _I'm here because I miss you. Because I love you. And I need to know if there's still a chance… if you can still love me too._  
  
_She made it easy,  
Made it free,  
Made you hurt til you couldn't see.  
Sometimes it stops,  
Sometimes it flows,  
But baby that is how love goes._  
  
I could tell Jason was slightly amused by my babbling. He reached for my bag and motioned towards the inside of the penthouse. "Come in."   
  
I smiled gratefully and reached for the bat.   
  
"What's that?" he asked.   
  
I held it in my hand and laughed. "My version of home security."   
  
My laughter must have been infectious because he joined in. "Come on. I'll make you some coffee."   
  
I stopped in the living room and looked around. I hadn't ever visited this place when AJ and Courtney lived there, but looking from the brown leather couch – was that my afghan? – to the pool table he had stuffed where a dining table should be I noticed that it was completely Jason. Just the bare necessities, like always. "Where do you eat?" I asked.   
  
He nodded to the couch and the coffee table. "Or sometimes it's leaning against the kitchen counter. Depends on what I'm having."   
  
"When'd you learn to cook?"   
  
A shadow passed over his face. "A long time ago. I was somebody else back then."   
  
I followed him through the swinging doors and noticed the dishes in the soapy water. Taking a chance, I pulled the dishtowel from his shoulder. "You wash, I dry. We'll… talk."   
  
Jason dipped his hands in the water and smiled down at me. "I'd like that."   
  
_You will fly and you will crawl;  
God knows even angels fall.  
No such thing as you lost it all.  
God knows even angels fall._  
  
We stood there together for a long time, him washing, me drying. He had a small dish-drainer off to the side. He told me about how he'd come to live in this place, how tense things had been with Sonny during the dividing of the assets. How he sometimes missed his friend, but he had sensed reevaluated things. He apologized to me for omitting the truth, once again.   
  
"So…" he asked.   
  
I looked up at him my eyes alight with new hope. "Yes?"   
  
"There's only one bedroom. It's off the living room…"   
  
"Oh…"   
  
"I can sleep on the couch," he said quickly. Jason busied himself with making the coffee while I studied him.  
  
"I can't kick you out of your bedroom," I added finally. "It's not fair. I've slept on your couch before… it won't kill me."   
  
He handed me a cup of steaming coffee before taking his own. "It's no problem. I usually sleep on the couch anyway."   
  
"Oh."   
  
Jason pushed away from the counter and went through the swinging doors. "Come on. We should talk."   
  
One word. Four letters. Talk. And I suddenly found myself with so much to say.  
  
_It's a secret no one tells;  
One day it's heaven, one day it's hell.  
It's no fairy tale;  
Take it from me,  
That's the way it's supposed to be._  
  
I perched at one end of the couch and sat my cup on the table. I wonder if Jason had noticed I had yet to take a drink of the coffee. He knew I hated the stuff, so I wonder why he offered it. I rang my hands together trying to rid myself of the sudden nervous energy. "I wanted to… apologize."   
  
He arched his eyebrow, but didn't say anything. I waited until he took another sip of his coffee. "For the last time… the night in the studio. I was out of line."   
  
"You're allowed to feel how you want to. It's your life, Elizabeth. And you get to choose how you want to live it."   
  
"I wasn't fair to you," I admitted. "I…"   
  
"You were hurt," he supplied. I nodded in agreement. "It was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I just wanted to love you."   
  
I smiled sadly. "I didn't make it easy for you. Never listening… always jumping to the wrong conclusions, not letting you explain. I knew what kind of work you did for Sonny… and I thought I could handle it."   
  
"You could have handled it. I just never gave you the chance."   
  
"I put you on a pedestal," I admitted. "I created this Jason in my mind… this infallible guy… and I was so hurt when you fell off."   
  
"I'm not a hero, Elizabeth. I'm not a saint. I'm just a man who runs a coffee warehouse."   
  
"I thought you were my angel."   
  
Jason reached over and tipped my chin up so I could see him. "Even angels fall."   
  
_You will fly and you will crawl;  
God knows even angels fall.  
No such thing as you lost it all.  
God knows even angels fall._  
  
The tears pricked at my eyes and I forced them back down. I reached for the coffee cup and took a sip. The dark liquid was bitter and scathing. I immediately spit it back into the cup. I rolled my eyes when Jason laughed at me. "You know I hate this stuff."   
  
"Yeah, I do." He took the cup from me and stood. "I'll get you some hot chocolate."   
  
"Jason–" I had to tell him. I wanted him to know all of the reasons I was here.  
  
But the door was already swinging closed before I could raise my protests. I stood and looked around the apartment. It was definitely smaller than the penthouse. The view sucked and the walls were that dull white color. But it felt like home. I knew it wasn't where I was, though. It was whom I was with. Jason was my home.   
  
He reemerged a few minutes later, a cup overflowing with whipped cream in his hand. "Here."   
  
I took it and happily took a sip. "Why do you have hot chocolate anyway?"   
  
"I was hoping for an old friend to come by for a visit."   
  
I hid the smile behind the cup. "Oh?"   
  
"Yeah." Jason reached out to push my hair away from my face, but his hand dropped back down to his side. "I… can I touch you?"   
  
I nodded silently.   
  
He took the cup from me and sat it on the pool table. Pulling me closer, he ran a hand over my hair and down my neck. His large hand spanned my whole neck, caressing it. "I've missed you," he whispered.   
  
I sighed deeply, enjoying the feel of him.   
  
_You laugh, you cry, no one knows why  
Behold the thrill of it all...  
You're on the ride  
You might as well  
Open your eyes_  
  
He tugged on my arm and pulled my body flush against his. "I lay on the couch at night… and I think about how I messed up with you. I think of all the things I've done wrong. And I can only hope that you'll give me a second chance."  
  
"Jason–"  
  
"Shhh," he told me. "I need to say this." Jason kissed my forehead before he moved his hand from my neck. "I messed up with you, Elizabeth. I messed up big. I forced you to leave me… and it wasn't a choice you should have made. But when I had to choose between my love for you and my loyalty to Sonny, it wasn't even a competition. You won hands down.   
  
"I love you," he whispered. "Somewhere between now and then I started needing you and I learned that I can't live without you. I don't know if you know this, but I've come to Kelly's. I've watched you through the window, working. While I watched I'd have a hundred things I needed to say… but I was too cowardly to say any of them. I was too afraid that you would reject me again.   
  
"Jason–"   
  
"I'm just a man, Elizabeth–"  
  
"No," I cut in. "You aren't _just_ anything, Jason."   
  
He smiled and my heart began to race. It was finally happening. We were finally getting it together. "There was never anything with Courtney. It's been you since the moment I left you behind years ago. I've been in love with you for so long that I don't remember what it feels like to not love you."   
  
I looked up at him and tried my best to smile. The tears were flowing freely down my cheeks and he reached up to catch them with his thumb. "Why're you crying? What's wrong?"   
  
"They're happy tears," I whispered. "My heart is so happy it's overflowing."   
  
"Do you think you could love me again?" he asked. "I'm Jason Morgan, coffee importer. I have a small apartment… a pool table instead of a dining room table. I eat ham sandwiches and frozen pizzas most nights. And I need coffee to live."   
  
I laughed at his last admission. Of course he needed coffee. Black. No sugar. He needed it like a normal person needed water. It was the moment of truth. The moment when I needed to tell him everything. "I'm not here because I need a place to live," I admitted. "Well, I do. It's all true about the studio. But I'm here…" I paused and slowly exhaled. "I'm here because I needed to see if _you_ could love _me_ again. It's been months, Jason. And we did it wrong… we both know that. But I love you and I want to be with you."   
  
"I never stopped."   
  
"Never stopped what?" I asked.  
  
"Loving you." I looked down at where our bodies were touching. His hand was on my back holding me to him. "I tried." His hand stretched across my skin, caressing it. "There must have been a million times when I wanted to give up. I wanted to get on my bike and just ride away from Port Charles, from you. But I couldn't… you follow me, you're with me wherever I go. You're in my heart."   
  
"Jason…"   
  
"There's something I've been wanting to tell you. The night in your studio? I told you I quit because of what Sonny made me do to you… well, that's the truth. But it wasn't the only reason. I quit because I couldn't look myself in the mirror anymore. I quit because I no longer needed Sonny to validate my life. I could do that on my own. You're everything I want to be when I grow up, Elizabeth. I just wanted to deserve you."   
  
I touched his face and shook my head. "It's not about deserving. It's only about love."   
  
_You will fly and you will crawl;  
God knows even angels fall.  
No such thing as you lost it all.  
God knows even angels fall.  
Even angels fall  
Even angels fall_  
  
He started to smile then, a gentle upward curve of his lips, but soon it covered his entire face. His eyes were shining with love, and I knew it was all for me. And I couldn't remember a time when I'd been happier.   
  
"So you'll stay?" he asked.  
  
"For how long?"   
  
Jason stopped. He leaned down and kissed me gently. I sighed in relief – it had been so long. "How does forever sound?"   
  
I couldn't stop the smile as my heart jumped with joy. "Forever sounds nice. No, forever sounds perfect."   
  
Song Credit: _Even Angels Fall_, Jessica Riddle.   
  
  



	14. Where Would You Be

_I wonder where your heart is  
cause it sure don't feel like it's here_  
  
I didn't go shopping like I told Courtney. I had planned on it… had even told the cab driver to take me to the Port Charles Mall, but once we were there I changed my mind. He'd looked at me strangely when I asked him to bring me up here, especially since it was getting closer to dusk. But he gladly took the twenty I pressed into his hand and didn't ask any questions.   
  
Vista Point… I sometimes wondered if this place would lose its meaning too. The boxcar had. In fact, the boxcar was more about Jason than Lucky. And hadn't Jason once said that the bridge no longer meant the same to him?   
  
_Sometimes I think you wish   
that I would just disappear_  
  
Jason. That's why I was here. The real reason. I hadn't expected to find him with Courtney. I hadn't expected the jealousy that surged through me when I saw them… I just, I was supposed to be over this by now. Why wasn't I? I mean, I cut Lucky and Sarah out so easily. Nikolas and Gia? They never even had a chance. It didn't matter that Nikolas had been there for me _no matter what_, that he was my friend before I even knew _who_ Jason Morgan was. He had lied to me… betrayed me, and so I dumped him.   
  
Why was Jason so different? Was it because he set my skin on fire when he touched me? Because he could look at me and I would feel like the only woman in the world. I would _know_ I was the only one he wanted to be with. But then, I'd see him with Courtney, and it'd all fall apart. It'd all… God, I loved him. I didn't mean to. I wasn't sure how it happened. But I had loved him for so long I can't remember when it started. The Christmas he stayed at my studio recovering? Possible. The summer he was my escape… Maybe. The spring he stayed with me at the studio again. I could remember lying next to Lucky, him sleeping soundly, wondering about Jason. That should have been my first clue as to what was happening.   
  
But, as always, I was oblivious to what was going on around me.   
  
_Have I got it all wrong  
have you felt this way long  
are you already gone_  
  
I looked back when I heard the crunch of gravel underfoot and sighed. Jason. Of course. Why had I come here again? I stood and grabbed my purse before I turned to face him. "I was just going."   
  
Jason stopped on the top stair and looked at me. "You- you don't have to go."   
  
"It's ok," I assured him. "I really should go check out that sale."   
  
"Oh."   
  
Except neither of us moved. My feet seemed to be rooted in that spot in front of the bench, his on the stairs. Time seemed to stop when our eyes connected… it was just like old times. Whenever I looked at Jason, I could still… "Where's Courtney?"   
  
"Francis is with her."   
  
I scoffed. "So she gets my bodyguard and my boyfri-" I stopped, but it was too late. My face flushed red and I looked down.   
  
_Do you feel lonely  
when you're here by my side_  
  
"Elizabeth-"   
  
"I…I should go." I tied the belt on the black sweater I was wearing and went to leave.   
  
"Wait," he called after me. I stopped, but didn't turn around. "Can we just talk for a minute?"   
  
"About what?" I closed my eyes and sighed. I was so tired of having this same conversation, over and over again. "I think I said it all the night in the penthouse."   
  
Jason slowly descended the stairs and stopped beside me. I could feel him hesitate before he put his hand on the small of my back. "Sit down?" he asked. My shoulders slumped in defeat – I really didn't want to have this conversation – but I allowed him to guide me to the bench. "I have some things I need to say."   
  
"Jason-" I began.   
  
"No," he interrupted. Jason sat beside me, but left enough distance between us that we weren't touching, weren't even close to touching. "I should have told you," he began. When I opened my mouth to protest, he silenced me with a look. "About Sonny… about everything. I'm sorry that I didn't. I just… I didn't think. I don't regret what Sonny and I did, but if we had to do it over again I would undo the damage I've done to us."   
  
I stared at him, not sure what to say. The thing was, I wasn't angry anymore. I wasn't… anything. At least not concerning Sonny. Yes, Jason hurt me. And yes, I lashed out. But it was obvious that Jason was hurting too. "I'm sorry, too."   
  
"No." Jason took my hand in his and continued, "I messed up, Elizabeth. I'm so convinced that I don't deserve you, that I screwed it up, and I pushed you away." He looked away and swallowed. "I've been… hurt."   
  
_Does the sound of freedom  
echo in your mind_  
  
"I'm not her," I told him. I gently pulled my hand from his and tilted his head up to face me. "I see the similarities Jason. Heck, Carly used to think that was the reason you wanted to be with me."   
  
"I don't see her when I'm with you. I don't think about her at all."   
  
"And when you're not with me?"   
  
He smiled then. It was short, but my heart jumped. "I don't think about Robin _at all_, Elizabeth. When I'm not with you, I want to be. You're part of who I am, who I will be."   
  
"Then what's the problem?" I asked.   
  
"Robin…" he began. "She took away everything that was important to me. First she left, then she took Michael. I couldn't lose you like I lost her."   
  
_Do you wish you were by yourself  
or that I was someone else  
anyone else_  
  
"I told you, Jason, when you lo- when you care about someone, you take a chance."   
  
"Why are you afraid to say it?" he asked.   
  
"Say what?"   
  
"The word. When you love someone." It was his turn to turn my face towards him. His eyes were shining anew with an emotion I'd never seen. "I love you."   
  
"Jason-"   
  
_Where would you be  
if you weren't here with me_  
  
"Shhh," he instructed. He held my chin between his thumb and forefinger and pulled my mouth open. With his other hand, Jason pulled my head to his. His lips softly descended over mine, we barely tasted each other before he pulled back. But it was enough. "I love you."   
  
"What about Courtney?"   
  
"She's being stalked."   
  
"So you have to _live_ with her?" I asked. Even though I was trying to control it, I could feel my temper beginning to flare. "She's _married_ Jason. But that doesn't seem to stop her."   
  
"I just told you I love you. Do you believe me?"   
  
"Jason-"   
  
"Do you believe me?" he insisted.   
  
"Yes."   
  
_Where would you go  
If you were single and free_  
  
"Then you should know that no matter what Courtney thinks, or what she feels is happening, that I love you."   
  
"Okay."   
  
"Okay?"   
  
"Okay," I agreed. "I don't think you're interested in Courtney, but that doesn't mean-"   
  
"It doesn't mean she's not interested in me," Jason finished for me.   
  
"So you do see it?"   
  
He cracked another smile and shook his head. "Yeah, I see it… I'm not sure when it happened, but I saw it this morning. But I want to be with you."   
  
I nodded my head. I knew he did. I could see it in his eyes, feel it in his words. His thumb was drawing a soft pattern on my shoulder, I could feel chill bumps rise on my skin even through the sweater. I leaned in closer and my head fell on his shoulder. His arm tightened around me. "Cold?"   
  
"No." I closed my eyes and sighed in relief. Somehow, someway… we'd made it back. I had to smile to myself. This was home, being in his arms like this, at our place, watching the stars. "Jason?"   
  
"Hmmm?"   
  
"Do you think…" I began. I couldn't find the appropriate way to word it. "If I weren't here… do you think you could be with Courtney? If she wasn't married to your brother."   
  
_Who would you love  
would it be me_  
  
"She's Sonny's sister, Elizabeth."   
  
I pulled back and pushed on his shoulder playfully. "So _that's_ all that would stop you!?" I was just playing at being hurt, but his answer still made me wonder.   
  
Jason pulled me back into his arms, holding me more securely this time. "I would have found you, Elizabeth. I'm… I'm not complete without you. I might have turned the world upside down, but I would have found you."   
  
"Good answer," I grinned.   
  
We sat like that for a while longer, just being together. I knew soon enough the real world would come knocking… Sonny, or Carly, or Courtney. Someone would need him and he'd leave me. But for now, this was enough.   
  
When the last star disappeared from the sky, Jason stood and grabbed my hand. "C'mon."   
  
"Where are we going?"   
  
"Home."   
  
I smiled. "What about…?" I left the question open, hoping he wouldn't leave me for the night.   
  
"She'll be okay. They'll all be okay." Jason tugged more firmly on my hand, but still I resisted.   
  
"Are you sure?"   
  
"Yes."   
  
"Jason-"   
  
_Where would you be_  
  
"Elizabeth, I don't have anywhere else I'd rather be tonight."   
  
I stopped arguing and let him pull me towards the stairs. "Okay."   
  
"Okay?" He stopped to look at me.   
  
"Let's go home."   
  
Song Credit: "Where Would You Be" by Martina McBride


	15. Picture

Livin' my life in a slow hell _  
Different girl every night at the hotel   
I ain't seen the sun shine in three damn days   
Been fuelin' up on cocaine and whisky   
Wish I had a good girl to miss me_  
  
It was the picture that finally made me break. I hadn't spent a night at the penthouse in such a long time that I wasn't sure how long the sketchpad had been there. But Elizabeth must have left it.   
  
I tried sleeping. But the walls in the penthouse were paper-thin. Funny, it never bothered me when it was Elizabeth I was listening to breathing. But Brenda wasn't Elizabeth. She wasn't even close.   
  
Seeing Courtney today was more than I expected. I purposely sought her out; just because I needed to make it clear to her the kiss would not be repeated. For starters, she was married to my brother. Secondly, I was married too. Cheating on Brenda wasn't an option – not for this scam to work. But most importantly, there was Elizabeth. If she ever found out about the kiss, I knew it would definitely end any chance we had together. Not that we even have a chance anymore. She was over me – over us – so what did it matter who I kissed? Or who kissed me.  
  
But I also knew I would tell her. I had to. She came clean about Zander, it was only fair I admit my indiscretion with Courtney. I just hoped Elizabeth could forgive me. I just hoped I could forgive me.   
  
I stared at the walls and ceiling for almost two hours before I gave up on sleep and went downstairs. I was sure to close Brenda's bedroom door before I passed, not wanting to wake her. Four games of pool later, I sat down on the couch. The afghan was still there. Elizabeth hadn't taken it with her. I felt something stick into my back though.   
  
I reached between the cushions and shook my head when I pulled out her sketchpad. The last real time we had talked, she'd been sketching on the couch. She must have forgotten it. Only I couldn't return it to her. I turned to the front, even though I knew I wouldn't be able to see the pictures, and studied them. My fingers traced over her neat, graphite lines, drawing what she'd already drawn for me.   
  
It'd been good to see her sketching again. To see her return to her normal life, even if I was holding her prisoner at the penthouse. Except I knew Elizabeth didn't see it that way. Hadn't she told me she loved staying there? I hadn't wished for many things, but at the moment she was the only thing I wished for.   
  
I was convinced Courtney had convinced herself that a relationship would work. She seemed to have some unexplained hope for a future with me. Not that it made any sense. Each time I turned our time together around, I couldn't rationalize why she was acting this way. I hadn't led her on, had I? I mean… until recently, she was encouraging me to go to Elizabeth and try again. What had changed? How had I suddenly become to mean so much to her… so much that she had to kiss me in the rain. None of it made sense.   
  
I was so lost in my thoughts and I didn't hear Brenda come down the stairs until she was already in the living room. I dropped the sketchpad and stood, turning to see what she needed.   
  
Lord I wonder if I'll ever change my ways _  
I put your picture away   
Sat down and cried today   
I can't look at you, I'm lyin' next to her   
I put your picture away, sat down and cried today   
I can't look at you I'm lyin' next to her_  
  
"Water," she explained.  
  
"There's a sink in the bathroom. You're staying in the master bedroom."   
  
"Excuse me."   
  
I pinched the bridge of my nose and let out a frustrated breath. "We agreed we were going to avoid each other as much as possible, Brenda. There's a sink and cups in the bathroom. Why're you down here?"   
  
She turned to face me, her hands on her hips. "Why were you playing pool at 2 a.m.?"   
  
I shook my head. "What I do is none of your business."   
  
"To hell it's not!" She held up her hand with the simple gold band. "Until I take this off, everything you do is my business."   
  
"It's a charade," I reminded her.   
  
"I know." And then she giggled. "Sorry. I was just having fun." She noticed the sketchpad on the couch, but didn't say anything. Looking away she nodded. "I'll just get that water and go back up."   
  
"Brenda–"   
  
"Jason, it's okay."   
  
I thought about saying more, but just shook my head. The sooner this was over, the better off everyone would be.   
  
She came back through a minute later, a glass full of water. "Do you want to talk about it?" she offered.   
  
"About what?"   
  
"The reason you agreed to marry me."   
  
"Carly–"   
  
"Is not the reason," she cut in. "Is it that blonde at Kelly's?"   
  
"What?"   
  
"The one who looks like the Skipper doll I used to have."   
  
I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping she would just give it up. But this was Brenda, and that would never happen. "Brenda, just leave it alone."   
  
"So it's the blonde, huh? Is she the one who broke your heart?"   
  
"Courtney is married."   
  
"So..."  
  
"To AJ."   
  
"Oh."   
  
"Right. Oh." I picked up the sketchbook and turned to the very last picture. I knew it must have been the rose she was working on the day I saw her sketching. But I was surprised, staring back at me was two people… it looked like they were hugging. "I need a favor," I said suddenly.  
  
Brenda's head jerked up, and she looked like I had grown a third eye. "W-what?"   
  
"I need you to look at this picture, and tell me what you see."   
  
"Jason."   
  
"Just do it, Brenda." My voice was tight and terse. I was hoping… no, praying it wasn't what I thought it was.  
  
She took the pad from my head and studied it carefully. Her brow furrowed and she bit down on her lip. "It's you."   
  
"Are you sure?"   
  
"Yes. And it's the blonde. It looks like you're out in the hall… you're hugging her."   
  
Shit.   
  


~*~*~*~*~

  
It was late when she got back to the studio. Really late. Luke had in no uncertain terms said he didn't want their help. And while she loved Luke, she wasn't too keen on Atlantic City. Or having herself broken in half by Pixie, or Trixie, or whatever the hell her name was. Elizabeth wasn't dumb. She knew when it was time to get out of Dodge. Lucky was left to do it himself. Just the way she knew he wanted it.   
  
Now the only thing she had to come home to was a cold, empty studio, and Kelly's. Of course, Jason was probably living with Courtney full time now. Or maybe he had given her the room Elizabeth had stayed in at the penthouse. It wouldn't surprise her.   
  
I called you last night in the hotel _  
Everyone knows but they wont tell   
But their half hearted smiles tell me   
Somethin' just ain't right   
I been waitin' on you for a long time   
Fuelin' up on heartaches and cheap wine   
I ain't heard from you in three damn nights_  
  
She just wanted to sleep for a hundred years. While she was away, though, she'd thought a lot about Jason. Maybe it was time to hear him out. She understood that it was Sonny's secret, not Jason's. And if the only person Sonny wanted to tell was Carly that was his decision. Elizabeth knew she hadn't been completely fair. But him being with Courtney all of the time didn't help matters, at all.   
  
But for now, it was sleep. She quickly pulled her pajamas on and grabbed her toothbrush and face wash. Maybe she could see Jason tomorrow.   
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Or not.   
  
If I had known of her plan to go straight to bed, I would have waited. But when Francis called to tell me she was back, I grabbed the keys for the motorcycle and took off immediately. It didn't matter that it was almost three o'clock. I needed to see her. Even though every mile I was resisting the urge to warn her again about her safety. Not that she would listen.   
  
I just had to tell her about the wedding. Before she found out from someone else.   
  
When she came around the corner for the bathroom, I tried to remember why I had come in the first place. "Hi."   
  
Elizabeth's eyes widened and she looked away. "What're you doing here?"   
  
"I need to talk to you."   
  
She lifted one eyebrow, but didn't say anything. She pushed the door to the studio open and I entered after her. "You couldn't lock that?"   
  
She dropped the towel on the couch and sat down. "What, are you afraid some big, bad man is going to get me in the middle of the night?"   
  
"Elizabeth–"   
  
"How's Courtney?"   
  
I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration. "We're not doing this. I'm here because I need to tell you something. And I need you to listen, and not say anything. Do you think you can do that?"   
  
Elizabeth nodded, then looked down at her hands. Oh man… I hadn't meant to sound so mean. "I'm sorry."   
  
"It's okay."   
  
I sat down beside her and pulled her hand between mine. "No, it's not."   
  
"What do you need?"   
  
"First…I want you to know that Courtney kissed me."   
  
She could feel her throat closing up. It was hard to breathe. "W-what?"   
  
"She kissed me."   
  
"Did you kiss her back?"   
  
"Elizabeth–"  
  
"Did you?"   
  
I looked away and nodded.   
  
"Okay, you need to go."   
  
"Wait… there's more."   
  
"WHAT? Did you sleep with her too?"   
  
"No!"   
  
"Then what, Jason. What could be worse than you kissing Courtney?"   
  
"She kissed me!" I replied defensively. This was already not going well. I could only imagine the way she would handle the next piece of information. "And… I got married."   
  
She blinked. And then blinked again. "I must be exhausted, because I swear I just heard you say you got married."   
  
"I did." I held up my left hand, the too-tight gold band reflecting light.   
  
She paled, and then closed her eyes. This was a bad dream, right? A really, really sick joke. "Who?"   
  
"Brenda."   
  
And then she laughed. I dropped my head and sighed. Nope, this wasn't going well. "You married Brenda!?! You hate Brenda."   
  
"And I still married her."   
  
"Not because you love her."   
  
I shook my head. There was only one woman I loved, and I was with her right now. "She's sick… and well, I did it for Carly."   
  
"You married a woman you hate for Carly?" She couldn't believe this. Just when she was ready to move on… when she was ready to admit she was wrong, he goes and marries someone else. Would they ever get it right?  
  
"Brenda… Sonny does crazy things when she's around. And well, I couldn't let her split up their marriage, Elizabeth. She's dying."   
  
"What about Jax?" she asked. "What about her going back to Europe, huh? Do you not have at least ten single men at your disposal? Why not let them marry her?"   
  
"Elizabeth–"   
  
She stood and pointed to the door. "I can't deal with this right now. I'll… I'll call you later. Or I'll see you later, or something."   
  
"Please–"   
  
"Jason," she pleaded. "Please… go."   
  
I stood and reached for her. "This doesn't change anything between us, Elizabeth."   
  
"It changes everything."   
  
"No," I insisted. "I still want to be with you… nothing will change that."   
  
"You're married," Elizabeth reminded me.  
  
"In name only." I glanced down at the ring and sighed. When I reached her, I pulled her body against mine. I knew touching her was the worst thing, but I had to hold her. "You're it for me, Elizabeth. I don't know if you believe me, or not. But I promise you, I'll spend the rest of my life – married, or not – proving it to you."   
  
She didn't say anything as I left.  
  
I put your picture away _  
I wonder where you been   
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to him   
I put your picture away   
I wonder where you been   
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to him   
I saw you yesterday with an old friend_  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

Brenda Barrett-Morgan was a woman on a mission. Find Elizabeth. Explain to her what was really going on. When she arrived at Kelly's the next morning that was her intention.   
  
She sat at the counter and smiled at the blonde she'd seen Jason with a few times. Brenda turned the coffee cup over and waited for the waitress to come over.   
  
"Hi," Courtney greeted her.   
  
Brenda smiled. "Hi."   
  
Courtney poured the coffee and reached for the cream and sugar. "Jason's wife, right?"   
  
"Yes." Brenda poured the cream and sugar into the coffee and stirred it with her spoon. "Sonny's sister, correct?"   
  
"Yes."   
  
"Good." Brenda smiled again. "Can you tell me when Jason's girlfriend gets here?"   
  
"W-what?"   
  
"Elizabeth?" Brenda scrunched her nose as she tried to remember how Sonny had described the girl. "Petite, brunette… likes to ride motorcycles. She works here?"   
  
"Yeah."   
  
Brenda waited patiently, but the blonde was apparently true to her hair color. "Is she here?"   
  
"Why do you want her?"   
  
"We're gonna have tea and friggin' crumpets. Why do you think?" Brenda waved the diamond at the girl. "There's a few things Elizabeth and I need to get straight."   
  
Just then, the bell above the door rang and Courtney glanced up. It was Elizabeth. "There she is."   
  
It was the same ole same "how have you been"  
  
Brenda picked up the coffee cup and went towards Elizabeth. She smiled down at the girl and nodded towards outside. "Can we talk?"   
  
Elizabeth blinked and sighed. "Sure. Gimme a second."   
  
Brenda watched as she went behind the counter, ignoring the blonde who was staring between the both of them.   
  
"Excuse me."   
  
Courtney looked at Elizabeth, grateful she was there. If anyone understood how she felt, it would be Elizabeth. "I'm glad you're here."   
  
"You won't be soon," she promised.   
  
Elizabeth poured some hot water into a cup and grabbed two packs of instant hot cocoa mix and a spoon. "I'm going outside to talk to Brenda."   
  
"Elizabeth–"  
  
"Go to hell, Courtney."   
  
The blonde was dumbfounded as she watched Jason's wife, and the woman she knew he loved go outside. This was going to be explosive.  
  
Brenda sat first, then Elizabeth followed. "We should talk."   
  
Elizabeth arched a brow. "About what?"   
  
Bring held up her left ring finger. "This."   
  
"Oh." Elizabeth busied herself with mixing the chocolate into the water. "Not really anything to talk about."   
  
Since you been gone my worlds been dark and grey  
  
"Sure there is." Brenda sipped the coffee. "Look at me, please?"   
  
Elizabeth lifted her chin, determined to not let his new wife see her broken. "You're married, I get it. Just tell Jason to not show up at my studio, and everything will be peachy-keen."   
  
"So that's where he went, huh?"   
  
"I guess you would notice when your new husband wasn't in your bed."   
  
Brenda sneered and shook her head. "Jason has never been, nor will he ever be, in my bed. We sleep in separate bedrooms."   
  
Elizabeth's mouth formed a silent 'O'.   
  
Brenda drained the last of her coffee and stood. "He loves you. He's just doing me a favor. I'm dying."   
  
She blinked them. "I'm sorry."   
  
"No, no." Brenda dropped a five on the table. "I've known for awhile, I've dealt with it. But like I said, Jase is doing me a favor. We're friends… sorta. Except we hate each other. He loves you."   
  
"He sure has a funny way of showing it."   
  
Brenda tipped her head towards the diner. "You mean Skipper?"   
  
Elizabeth bit her lip to keep from laughing. She'd never actually heard it said out loud before. "Courtney, yeah."   
  
Brenda's eyes twinkled with amusement. "Watch and see, my dear. Watch and see."   
  
You reminded me of brighter days  
  
The younger brunette sat there for two seconds before she grabbed the tip and went inside.   
  
"Courtney!" Brenda yelled. The customers turned away from their breakfast and looked at her. "Hi folks. Don't mind me. I just want to speak with my new husbands' whore."   
  
Courtney's eyes widened when she came out of the kitchen. "What?"   
  
Brenda put her hands on her hips and glared. "Stay the hell away from Jason."   
  
"Wha…"   
  
"Don't act stupid, you little twit. He told me you kissed him the night before we got married. A married woman throwing herself at an engaged man? Tsk, tsk."   
  
"Wait…"   
  
Brenda held her hand up and glared. "I don't want to hear it. I'm just hear to tell you it won't happen again."   
  
"Brenda, I can explain…"   
  
"I would worry about explaining to your husband, not me."   
  
"AJ–"   
  
"AJ and I are old friends, Courtney. Don't pretend to know him better than I do. My brother-in-law and I will be having lunch at the Grille today. To, you know, catch up."   
  
The blonde paled even more. AJ couldn't… absolutely couldn't know. "Brenda–"   
  
The brunette smiled cruelly. "You try to take what's mine? I'll definitely take what's yours."   
  
Without another word, Mrs. Jason Morgan left the diner and Courtney devastated in her wake.   
  
Elizabeth smiled sweetly when she walked by. "Sorry, Skipper. You shoulda known you couldn't play with the big boys and girls."   
  
Courtney just dropped the apron and left.  
  
I hoped you were comin' home to stay _  
I was headed to church_

~*~*~*~*~*~

I was waiting for her when she got back to the studio. She was wearing the leather jacket I had given her, and I could see a black shirt under it. She was also wearing black, form fitting pants and heeled boots. Damn… when'd she start dressing like that?  
  
I was off to drink you away  
  
"Hey." I swallowed and looked away. Had her voice always been that husky? When had I missed it before?   
  
"Hey."   
  
She smiled at me, giving me a quick flash of her teeth. "Whatcha need?"   
  
"I was hoping you'd talk to me."   
  
"No need."   
  
I pursed my lips and looked away. Were we back to this again? "Elizabeth–"  
  
She opened the door with a quick flick of a key and pulled me inside. "I talked to Brenda."  
  
I thought about you for a long time _  
Can't seem to get you off my mind   
I can't understand why we're living life this way   
I found your picture today   
I swear I'll change my ways_  
  
"Oh?"   
  
"She explained… it's a hoax."   
  
I looked away, suddenly grateful to my wife. "Yeah, it is."   
  
"You could have told me."  
  
"I tried. You were too busy being mad about the kiss."   
  
She poked me and I smiled at her playfulness. "I'm still mad about the kiss."   
  
I grabbed her wrist and pulled her close. "But not so mad you won't stop talking to me?"   
  
"I figure… we can be friends."   
  
"Friends?"   
  
She made a 'tsking' noise and smiled. "You're a married man, Jason."   
  
Like I could ever forget. "Elizabeth…"   
  
She pulled away and shrugged the jacket off. Her black blouse tied around her thin waist, emphasizing the curve of her breasts and her trim waistline. She looked absolutely beautiful. "How long is this marriage going to last?"   
  
"I don't know."   
  
"Oh." She looked down, and then up again. "Ok." She went to the window where the easel with The Wind was displayed. "I guess I'll just have to keep this a little longer."   
  
"It's yours."   
  
"It's not mine," she told me. "It's yours. You just haven't taken it yet."   
  
"Keep it here a little longer?" I asked. "Then maybe we can take it home together."   
  
"Home?"   
  
"Yeah… you, me… together. Home."   
  
I just called to say I want you to come back home _  
I found your picture today   
I swear I'll change my ways   
I just called to say I want you to come back home   
I just called to say, I love you come back home_  
  
She smiled. It was the most beautiful thing I had seen in a long time. "I kind of like that."   
  
"Good."   
  
She took the picture and put it back on the easel. "Ok, I'll keep the picture."   
  
"It's not just a picture."   
  
"Okay," she agreed.   
  
I glanced down, suddenly tempted to see what she looked like under all of the black. "I should go."   
  
"Yeah," she agreed. "Don't want the wifey to worry."   
  
"Elizabeth…"   
  
"Go," she insisted.   
  
I nodded. I wanted to kiss her, but I knew it was wrong. I didn't want to touch her again until there was for sure nothing stopping us.   
  
"Jason!" she called after me when I reached the door.   
  
"Yeah?" I glanced back at her.  
  
She smiled again. "I love you too."   
  
Song Credit: Picture, Kid Rock, featuring Sheryl Crow.


	16. Your Body is a Wonderland

_To Marian, my friend._

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

The light filtering through the blinds woke him. They'd fallen asleep sometime after four, and it was just six thirty. But his body felt renewed. His mind sharpened. He owed it all to the vixen in bed next to him.   
  
We got the afternoon_  
You got this room for two  
One thing I've left to do  
Discover me  
Discovering you_  
  
The previous night was still kind of blurry. They'd been at the police station making a police report about Coleman when she walked in. Detective Capelli had her handcuffed, and he pushed her through the door, Elizabeth fighting him the whole way. Jason had seen the trickle of blood from the corner of her mouth and the anger had started to burn within him.   
  
"I'll be right back," he told Courtney. _  
  
Since Elizabeth had walked in, he'd hardly noticed Cinderella standing next to him. She was wearing a too-short black skirt, and a tight leopard print blouse. It was emphasizing curves he wasn't even aware she had. Wasn't it illegal to be dressed that way? What was she doing here, anyway?   
  
"Elizabeth," Jason called.   
  
She glanced over her shoulder and rolled her eyes. "Detective, can we hurry up?"   
  
"Ms. Webber, you're being accused of assisting in a prison break. Do you know how serious that is?"   
  
By that time, Jason was standing over Capelli's shoulder. "Elizabeth… what did you do?"   
  
She looked at him then. Her blue eyes flashing with anger. "Jason… what do you _care?" _  
  
"Elizabeth–"  
  
"Let me go!" Lucky Spencer yelled. Jason turned to find Elizabeth's ex struggling against Taggert's handcuffs, dressed in prison blues. "Elizabeth!" Lucky yelled.   
  
She came to life them. Pulling away from Capelli, she made her way over to Lucky and his approaching father, who was also struggling. "I'm sorry," she apologized. "I didn't mean–"  
  
"It's okay," Luke cut in. "You should have never been dragged into this."   
  
"Damn straight," Jason concurred. "I just wanna know exactly what this is?"   
  
Elizabeth rolled her shoulders and turned to look at him. "Would you just shut the hell up?" Movement caught her eye, and she saw the blonde dressed in the Halloween costume. "Oooh, Jason. You better hurry, Courtney might hurt herself on the way to the bathroom."   
  
"Elizabeth–"   
  
"I don't _need you."   
  
He left her alone then. But those words… they'd made his heart break. How far had he pushed her away? Jason had always assumed that they'd be able to get it back. He believed her when she told him she'd never look at him like she didn't know him at all. Now that she was back, Jason promised himself he'd never make her look at him like that again.  
  
Leaning down, he nuzzled the skin behind her ear with his nose, before placing a gentle kiss on her cheek. "Morning, sleeping beauty."   
  
One mile to every inch of_  
Your skin like porcelain  
One pair of candy lips and  
Your bubblegum tongue_  
  
She tried to roll away from him, but Jason made sure to keep his arm tight around her waist. Last night had been everything he'd ever wanted. And it hadn't been about sex. Not even close.   
  
"Wake up," he whispered.   
  
"Sleepy," she murmured. "Go back to bed."   
  
"I wanna talk."   
  
"No," she stubbornly refused. The brunette rolled again, this time into his body. Her hands wrapped around his waist, her cheek turned into his naked chest. "Go back to sleep."   
  
Jason didn't go back to the penthouse like he said. There was absolutely no way he was letting her stay in jail tonight._  
  
"Anger Boy," Taggert called after him. "What, more problems with your brother's wife?"   
  
"Where is she?"   
  
"Who?"   
  
"Elizabeth."   
  
"Oh… you mean the one who was kidnapped because of you? Her?"   
  
Jason clenched and unclenched his fists, trying to release the anger that was building inside of him. It had started when he'd seen Capelli push her into the station and it just kept getting worse and worse. A fight with AJ hadn't helped either.   
  
"Where is she?"   
  
"Visiting hours are over," Capelli said from behind him.   
  
Jason turned and glared. "If there's one mark on her, I'm coming after you."   
  
"Threatening a police officer in the police station isn't the smartest thing you've ever done."   
  
Jason pinched the bridge of his nose and turned to glare at the bald cop. "Do you want to arrest me? I just want to see Elizabeth."   
  
"Did you ever consider that I don't want to see you?"   
  
He turned and she was there. Still in the short skirt, tight shirt, and the shoes… those shoes…  
  
"Elizabeth…"   
  
She silenced him with a glare before looking at Capelli. "Am I free to go?"   
  
"Ms. Webber, you're in serious trouble."   
  
Elizabeth tucked her hair behind her ear. "I get that, okay? But you know what? If you had a DA who was worth a damn, none of us would be in trouble. But Scott was intent on framing Luke, and that man is the _only family I have left. So damn right I'm going to help him." _  
  
"Ms. Webber," Taggert began.   
  
Jason's head hurt. He was exhausted from the hour he'd spent with Courtney. And her looking like she did was making him come alive in places he didn't need. He hadn't seen her dressed like that since the night she showed up at Jake's. "How'd you get in trouble?" he asked.   
  
"None of your damn business," she snapped at him. Turning back to Taggert she asked, "Am I free? I wanna go somewhere else and make _trouble…" _  
  
"You sure it's what you want? Because lookin' the way you do, trouble will come easy." The conversation from so long ago played back in his mind, the words flowing easily from his mouth.   
  
Elizabeth recognized the familiar words and couldn't help the smile tugging at her lips. "Maybe I am sure. Maybe having someone to fight right now sounds like a relief. Nothing else seems to work. Not friends, not painting, not time. What?"   
  
Jason could feel the officer's eyes on them. It wasn't a conversation he wanted to have at the PCPD, but Elizabeth was finally interested in talking to him. "I tried that once."   
  
"Tried what?"   
  
He shook his head, remembering a time in his life when she wasn't there. "Tried to fix what hurt by finding something that hurt worse. Now, you're not going to believe me, but it doesn't work."   
  
"How do you know?" she asked. "This has been _easy for you. Something came along that finally made me understand… someone finally came along who made me feel like it was okay to be me. And it's gone, and I've got nothing. Tell me, do you know what nothing feels like?" _  
  
He took a step forward, his heart breaking with the tears that pooled in her eyes. "Yeah, it's pretty much where I live."   
  
Elizabeth broke eye contact then. She couldn't do this. It was too hard. It hurt too much. She dropped her eyes and shook her head, her eyes noticing the wedding ring. She'd heard them talking about it down in lock up. He'd married Brenda. "Can I go now?" she asked Taggert. "I need to go."   
  
"Ms. Webber…"  
  
"_Please?" she begged. Elizabeth adjusted her purse strap and turned towards the door. "I'll be at my studio, if you need me. I won't go anywhere." _  
  
"Fine."   
  
She was almost out the door before he even realized what was happening. "Elizabeth!" he yelled. _  
  
She was asleep again. Jason kissed her forehead before he got out of the bed. He needed coffee and a shower. Although, the shower could probably wait for her. Deciding on the coffee, he pulled on a pair of sweatpants and went downstairs.   
  
He immediately regretted it when he saw Brenda in the living room. In the six hours he'd spent with Elizabeth, Jason had forgotten all about his wife.   
  
And if you want love_  
We'll make it  
Swim in a deep sea  
Of blankets  
Take all your big plans  
And break 'em  
This is bound to be a while_  
  
"You know," she began, "I always thought I'd be the one to cheat."   
  
"Stuff it," he ordered.   
  
"Who is she?"   
  
Jason stopped at the door to the kitchen and sighed. "Does it matter? As soon as you get the chance, I have no doubt you'll be with Jax."   
  
"I'm over Jax," she retorted.  
  
"And that's why you married me." There was no more he could say, so Jason went for his coffee. He was grateful that Brenda had made a whole pot. What was she doing up before noon, anyway?   
  
"Who is she?" Brenda asked again. "That little blonde twit…?"   
  
"Brenda–"  
  
"Tell me, or I'll go break your door down to find out."   
  
The next thing he knew, the coffee was on the desk and he was in her face. "You're not going near her, do you here me?"   
  
"Oooh," she laughed at him. "Aren't you just scary? You must love this girl."   
  
"Drop it," Jason ordered. He took the coffee and went back upstairs. "Why don't you go buy something?" he called over his shoulder.   
  
"Elizabeth!" he called out the door._  
  
She stopped on the last step and looked up at him. "Go back to Courtney, Jason."   
  
"Stop," he pleaded. "I wanna talk to you."   
  
"Yeah?" she asked. Elizabeth put her hands on her hips and glared up at him. "I don't want to talk to you."   
  
"Tough." Jason took the stairs, two at a time, jumping off the last one. He closed his hand around her wrist and immediately regretted it when she winced. Jason looked down at her wrists and cursed Andy Capelli for the red marks. "Please?"   
  
"Fine. You have five minutes."   
  
Jason smiled. Taking a chance, he reached up and tucked the hair behind her ear. "I'm sorry."   
  
She looked away and shook her head. "I don't wanna hear it, Jason. It hurts too much. I can't walk away anymore… and that's all you know how to do." _  
  
She wasn't in the bed when he got there. "Elizabeth!" he called.   
  
Something 'bout the way your hair falls in your face_  
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase  
You tell me where to go and  
Though I might leave to find it  
I'll never let your head hit the bed  
Without my hand behind it_  
  
The water in the bathroom sink cut off and he sighed in relief. They needed to talk. Jason scooted back against the headboard and put his cup of coffee on the nightstand.   
  
Elizabeth emerged from the bathroom, his shirt covering her otherwise naked form. And he knew that for a fact. "I thought you left."   
  
His lips twitched. It was good to know what she looked like under that shirt. "Where would I go?"   
  
Her shoulders shrugged and she continued approaching the board. "I dunno… Courtney, your wife, Carly… wherever you run off to when you leave me."   
  
You want love?_  
We'll make it  
Swim in a deep sea  
Of blankets  
Take all your big plans  
And break 'em  
This is bound to be a while_  
  
"Elizabeth–"   
  
She stopped by the bed and reached for the leather skirt. "I should go."   
  
"Please don't," Jason asked.   
  
Elizabeth pushed her fingers into her eyes and sighed. After last night, there was no way she could do this. She couldn't fight with him. "Jason–"  
  
"I love you," he cut in.   
  
"–we can't do this… what did you say?"  
  
Jason uncrossed his legs and looked up at her. "I love you. Please don't leave me."   
  
Damn baby_  
You frustrate me  
I know you're mine all mine all mine  
But you look so good it hurts sometimes_  
  
"Jason, I can't do this with you again… I told you last night, I can't watch you walk away."   
  
"I won't," he promised. His blue eyes met hers, and he thought he recognized something in them. Wanting, for sure. But maybe love too. At least he hoped she loved him. "After last night? I can't, Elizabeth. I've spent too much time lying to myself, lying to you, and I can't do it anymore."   
  
"What about–"   
  
"Courtney?" Jason asked. "She's my brother's wife, Elizabeth. She's… nothing to me. And Brenda? I married her to keep her safe."   
  
"You still married her!" Elizabeth exclaimed.   
  
"And I plan on divorcing her," Jason shot back.   
  
Elizabeth sat down on the corner of the bed. She dropped the skirt on the all-wood floor and looked up at him. "Do you really love me?" Her voice was small, almost not believing her own voice.   
  
"Yes," he whispered forcefully. Jason sat up and reached for her. "I love you."   
  
"Why?" The tears were starting again. Except they were happy this time.  
  
Jason ran his thumb over her cheek, catching the tear before it fell. "You have skin like porcelain. Lips that taste like candy. I love the way the hair falls in your face." Gently leaning forward, he kissed her.   
  
"Jason," she sighed.   
  
He moved from her mouth, down her throat, and the up to her ear. "I want to see you everyday for the rest of my life. I promise that I'll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it."   
  
Jason moved the shirt off her shoulder and kissed it. "I want to make love to you," he whispered.   
  
Elizabeth took his face between her hands and pulled him towards her. "Jason…"   
  
"Let me love you."   
  
Your body is a wonderland_  
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)  
Your body Is a wonderland  
Your body is a wonderland_  
  
Her smile was quick and lethal. Jason had no doubt it would be the death of him. "You already do."   
  
"You're right," he told her, "I do."   
  
Song Credit: Your Body is a Wonderland, Jon Mayer


	17. I'll Stand By You Part 1

He hurt me. More than anyone had ever hurt me.   
  
Oh, why you look so sad? _  
tears are in your eyes   
come on and come to me now   
don't be ashamed to cry   
let me see you through  
'cause I've seen the dark side too  
When the night falls on you  
You don't know what to do   
Nothing you confess  
Could make me love you less_   
  
I'd given Jason a part of me, except he didn't want it. In fact, he only seemed to want me when I wasn't available. Which didn't work for either of us.   
  
I loved him. I don't think I could remember a time when I hadn't loved him. It happened so subtly. One minute he was my friend, then he was my more than friend, and then, overnight, he was my everything.   
  
Which is why I'm here, at the Port Charles Police Department, ready to give him an alibi. I'd been in the studio painting when the broadcast was made. Jason Morgan had been arrested for the murder of Luis Alcazar. His wife, former Deception model Brenda Barrett, was with her former fiancé Jasper Jacks at the moment. The same Jasper Jacks who married Quartermaine heiress Antoinette Skye Chandler-Quartermaine two months ago. Ms. Barrett wouldn't give details on what she was doing with Mr. Jacks, leaving one to speculate. Mr. Morgan couldn't—or wouldn't—give himself an alibi. He claimed he was out on his bike that night, all night long. But no one had seen him. No one could prove it.   
  
So I waited. That was two days ago. I waited for someone to come forward and give him an alibi. Sonny or Carly or Courtney. All of the new people in his life. The people who so obviously matter to him. The people he cares about. But none of them came. Sure, Carly cried about the injustice that was being served. She pointed out that Scotty Baldwin was using Jason as a scapegoat, she'd even gone so far as to cast suspicion on Alexis. Of course, she couldn't prove it.   
  
After I waited, I decided to do something about it. I remembered a time when Jason told me he'd look the same in jail. But I still couldn't let that happen. Even if I had to lie. So, here I am, at the police station, ready to give Jason an alibi.   
  
I smiled warmly at the woman at the desk. "I need to speak with Lt. Taggert, please?"   
  
The desk sergeant returned my smile and picked up the phone. She spoke briefly with someone, Taggert I'm assuming, before she hung up. "He'll be here in just a minute."   
  
"Elizabeth," the older man greeted me. His smile covered his entire face and he waved me into the squad room. "What can I do for you?"   
  
I looked down at my feet and sighed. The knot in my stomach was growing tighter by the minute, my hands were sweating with nervousness. "I'm here about Jason…"   
  
I'll stand by you_  
I'll stand by you  
Won't let nobody hurt you  
I'll stand by you_  
  
His eyes widened, but he said nothing. Taggert knew me, he knew I didn't lie. And I was planning to use that to my advantage. "Lieutenant, I know Jason didn't kill Luis Alcazar…"   
  
"Elizabeth," he sighed.   
  
"…I know that because he was with me that night." There. The lie was out. Now came the easy part. Convincing him. "All night."   
  
"Elizabeth–"   
  
"We went for a bike ride. He took me to Vista Point. Then he took me back to my studio, where we stayed for the rest of the night."   
  
That's when it happened. His eyes turned to coal, his gut clenched, and he looked at me like one of them. "If that's the truth, Ms. Webber, why didn't Jason just admit to it?"   
  
"I'm not sure if you knew this, but Luis Alcazar had me kidnapped. And then he tried to shoot Zander and me in the hospital lobby."   
  
"I knew all of that. Mr. Morgan came to me when you were missing."   
  
I hadn't known that and was kind of shocked. Jason asked Taggert for help? I sighed deeply, the words I said to him washing over me. "After it was made known that Sonny was alive, Jason and I staged a fight at Kelly's and I moved back to the studio."   
  
"Elizabeth…" Taggert raked a hand over his face and shook his head. What was it about Morgan that had this young woman lying for him? "Ms. Webber, I know you think you're helping him, but you're not. You're only digger yourself into a deeper hole."   
  
I shook my head, my resolve firm. I had to get Jason out of there. Tonight. "Jason was protecting me, Taggert. So we pretended to end our relationship. But we've been seeing each other all along."   
  
"Elizabeth…"   
  
"I'm not lying. I'll testify in court if I have to. But I want to see Jason. Now."   
  
He pinched the bridge of his nose. It was the same habit Jason had when he got frustrated. I saw it a lot when I was with Jason. "Fine." His voice was like ice as he turned and stomped away. It was then that I knew Taggert knew he'd lost. I'd overheard Sonny tell Jason's lawyer that the only concrete evidence they had against Jason was that he had no alibi. There was no physical evidence. The gun used had been purchased the previous day and the shop-owner hadn't fingered Jason or anyone who worked for him as the buyer.   
  
Taggert came back a moment later leading Jason. His hands were handcuffed behind him, Taggert was pushing him roughly. The blue shirt he wore had a number stitched over the left hand pocket identifying him as prisoner number 98854F. My heart squeezed painfully when he looked up at me. "Elizabeth."   
  
I tucked the string of hair behind my ear, but didn't say anything. I wordlessly followed Taggert into the interrogation room, stood by as he handcuffed Jason to the table, and glared at both of us. "You have ten minutes."   
  
"What's going on?" Jason asked. He looked from Taggert to me and then back to Taggert. "I want my lawyer."   
  
"He'll be notified and informed that you now have an alibi. I'm sure he, Mr. Corinthos, and Mrs. C will be down here soon." Taggert turned to me then. "Ms. Webber, I want you to think about what you're doing. Think really hard and decide if he's worth it. Because you won't get away with it."   
  
I sat down after Taggert slammed the door. My hands reached across the table, reaching for his. But something stopped me. "Hi."   
  
"What did you do?" he asked.   
  
I met his gaze, my chin tilted stubbornly. "I'm not letting them send you to jail."   
  
Jason closed his eyes and sighed. "Tell me you didn't."   
  
So if you're mad, get mad_  
Don't hold it all inside  
Come on and talk to me now  
Hey, what you got to hide?_  
  
"I only said we were together that night. We went for a bike ride to Vista Point, and then back to my studio. That's all you have to say."   
  
"I won't lie."   
  
I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to scream and ask him why he was throwing it all away. I wanted to ask him where he really was that night. But I was too afraid of the answer. "Why does it have to be a lie, Jason? We've spent a million nights on your bike, then went back to my studio. It's something that we do. I'm not lying, Jason."   
  
"You are," he insisted. "We weren't together the night Luis Alcazar was murdered. I was…" he trailed off.  
  
"What?" I asked. "Were you with her? And the blonde bimbo won't give you an alibi. Figures."   
  
"I wasn't with Courtney." The look on his face made me believe him. "I was on my bike, on a road to nowhere."   
  
"Then it's not a lie," I told him simply. "I'm just adding to the truth by saying I was with you."   
  
"Elizabeth–"   
  
"It keeps you out of jail," I cut in. "And it's something your wife nor your new girlfriend will do for you. So just say thank you."   
  
I get angry too_  
Well I'm a lot like you  
When you're standing at the crossroads  
And don't know which path to choose  
Let me come alone  
'Cause even if you're wrong_  
  
He still didn't look convinced. So taking a chance, I touched him. I lifted his right hand from the table and linked his fingers with mine. I gently squeezed, smiling softly at him. "I've already lied, Jason. I'll go to jail if you don't back me up. Please?" I pleaded. "Don't go to jail, Jason. I…"   
  
Taggert pushed through the door, rolling his eyes at the scene before him. Of course, he'd watched the entire thing play out from behind the blinds, but he couldn't know what we were saying. "You're entourage is here, Anger Boy."   
  
They filed in wordlessly. I turned to glare at Taggert, but wouldn't let Jason release my hand. The lawyer spoke first. "I understand my client has an alibi."   
  
"She's lying," Taggert accused. He wouldn't look at me. "She's lying through her teeth to save his sorry ass."   
  
"Mr. Taggert, I assume I don't have to remind you of all of the times you've been wrong concerning my client. I don't have to remind you of all of the complaints in your folder concerning Mr. Corinthos and Mr. Morgan. I won't have to remind you of all of the times you've harassed them endlessly," he finished. The lawyer turned to look at me, and smiled warmly. "I'm Sam Heron, and you are Miss…"   
  
"Webber," I supplied. "Elizabeth Webber." I would have stood to shake his hand, but there was no way I was letting go of Jason. I needed him if I was going to pull this off.   
  
"I've been told you've provided my client with an alibi."   
  
"Yes sir," I smiled. "Jason was with me the night Luis Alcazar was killed."   
  
I'll stand by you_  
I'll stand by you  
Won't let nobody hurt you  
I'll stand by you  
Take me in, into your darkest hour  
And I'll never desert you  
I'll stand by you_  
  
Mr. Heron pulled a chair from the end of the table and took out a yellow legal pad. "Have you given your statement yet?"   
  
"No sir. I wanted to see Jason first. And Lt. Taggert didn't offer to take it."   
  
The lawyer glared at Taggert then. "Violating my client's rights again, I see."   
  
Taggert rolled his eyes and muttered under his breath. "If you and Ms. Webber can wait just a minute, I'll take the statement now."   
  
"Thank you."   
  
When Taggert left, Sonny spoke up. "Elizabeth, do you know what you're doing?"   
  
I turned to look at the man who was once my friend. The man who had been my rock when I was in such a bad place. A man who I didn't know anymore. "I'm telling the truth, Sonny. I'm sure it's nothing you know anything about."   
  
"Elizabeth–"   
  
Taggert came back into the room and sat down in a huff. "Alright, let's get this lie—I mean show—on the road. Ms. Webber, where were you on the night of November 30th, 2002?"   
  
"I closed Kelly's at nine and Jason picked me up at the back door. He took me to my studio so I could change and then we went for a bike ride."   
  
He looked up from his writing and asked, "Was he in the room with you when you changed?"   
  
"Lt. Taggert–" the lawyer began.   
  
To my credit, I only blushed a little. "I changed in the closet, but I left the door cracked. Jason was sitting on my couch the entire time."   
  
"Why did you leave the door open?"   
  
"There's no light in my closet. I usually change down the hall in the bathroom, but we were in a hurry. I hadn't seen him in several days."   
  
"I see," Taggert murmured. "Continue with your story, Ms. Webber."   
  
I tightened my hand around Jason's and smiled when he returned my squeeze with one of his own. "Like I said, we went for a bike ride. We rode for an hour or more, but ended up at Vista Point. We sat on the bench talking until after midnight."   
  
And when…_  
When the night falls on you, baby  
You're feeling all alone  
You won't be on your own_   
  
"Did anyone else see you?" Taggert asked.   
  
"No," I shook my head. "But that was the point. We were continuing our relationship in secret. Mr. Alcazar had threatened me on several occasions, and Jason wanted to end it all together, but I wouldn't let him."   
  
"Why not? He's a criminal–"  
  
"Mr. Taggert," the lawyer warned. "Need I remind you that Mr. Morgan has never been convicted for so much as a traffic violation, much less a major felony."   
  
I cleared my throat, calling their attention back to me. "Jason has tried to end our relationship once before. You remember, Taggert, when Joseph Sorel put the bomb in my studio–"  
  
"Yet another time when your association with Anger Boy almost got you killed."  
  
"–But I didn't let him then. And I wouldn't let him this time either. I agreed to his wishes until things calmed down with Mr. Alcazar. But Jason said we could still see each other at night."   
  
"How convenient," Taggert muttered. "Of course, if you're giving him what he wants…"   
  
"I don't like what you're implying," I snapped. "You know nothing about me, nothing about Jason, and nothing about our relationship. Now, back to my story. After Vista Point, Jason took me back to my studio. My couch folds out into a sofa bed, so we slept on it all night."   
  
"How do you know he didn't leave you to kill Mr. Alcazar, only to slip back into your bed before you woke?"   
  
"I would have noticed, Lieutenant. I can barely sleep when Jason's not there." I smiled brightly, impressed that I had retold the story just like I practiced. "Is that all?"   
  
I'll stand by you_  
I'll stand by you  
Won't let nobody hurt you_  
  
The lawyer smiled then. "Yes, it is, Ms. Webber. And Lieutenant if you'll come with me, we'll start on those release papers for my client."   
  
Taggert glared and grumbled, but followed the attorney out. I knew he was going to cooperate, even though he hated it. Now that Jason had an alibi, they had no reason to hold him.   
  
"Is it true?" Carly asked when the door shut.   
  
I cocked an eyebrow at Jason who was strangely silent. I waited for him to give me some indication, but he didn't. "No, it's not. But the lawyer believed me, and he's going to use it to get Jason out of here."   
  
"Elizabeth," Sonny began. "Why would you do this?"   
  
"I'm not letting him stay in jail, Sonny. Not for something he didn't do."   
  
"Oh."   
  
"So you lie?" Carly asked. She couldn't help the smile tugging at her lips, her respect for the younger woman growing by the second.   
  
"I did what I had to do, Carly. It's nothing you wouldn't do for Sonny." Carly nodded in agreement.   
  
"What if hadn't of worked?" Jason asked. Finally, he spoke. I hadn't been able to read him. I wasn't sure if his silence was because of his disgust with me, or his refusal to lie.   
  
"Then I'd be in jail beside you. Wouldn't be the first time."   
  
"Elizabeth–"  
  
"Shut up," I cut in. "It's over, Jason. I'm not even asking you to say thank you. I just want you to get out of here so you can finish living your life."   
  
I'll stand by you_  
Take me in, into your darkest hour  
And I'll never desert you  
I'll stand by you  
I'll stand by you  
Won't let nobody hurt you  
I'll stand by you  
Won't let nobody hurt you  
I'll stand by you_   
  
The door slammed against the wall when Taggert came back in. He was pissed. Which could only mean… "You're free to go, Morgan. All charges have been dropped pending further investigation." He roughly un-cuffed Jason from the table, slicing the handcuff into his skin. "And Ms. Webber, we'll be in touch about your statement. Don't leave town. In fact, where will you be reachable?"   
  
"Harborview Towers," Carly answered. She moved behind me, her hand resting on my shoulder. "Elizabeth's coming home. I'm sure you know the address."   
  
"I'm sure I do."   
  
Song Credit: I'll Stand By You, The Pretenders


	18. I'll Stand By You Part 2

I hated the silence.   
  
When Lizzie would come out to play I would usually stun my parents into silence. Then after it was over, they would send me to my room for the rest of the night. But I hated it because when they stopped yelling it meant they weren't talking. It meant their marriage really was deteriorating. And then with Lucky… his silence always meant anger. Not at first, but after the fire he would sit and seethe quietly. Usually because of Jason.   
  
Jason.   
  
The only person who could make the silence bearable. Peaceful. Why was that? Before the Sonny debacle, Jason and I could sit in the penthouse and not talk. We didn't need to. He would play pool and I would sketch. It was wonderful.   
  
But he wasn't speaking now. To anyone. When we left the police station, Jason had kept a gentle pressure on the small of my back, guiding me to the limo. He nodded at Johnny and slid inside. I crawled in beside him, but didn't touch him. I could already feel the anger radiating from him. I didn't need Jason to jerk away from me so that I could lay awake at night and analyze it. I didn't need him to glare at me, not talking. I'd like to convince myself I didn't need him at all, but I knew it was a lie. I needed him like I needed to breathe. Like I needed to be free.   
  
Sonny waited until Carly got in the limo before he slid beside her. His hand reached for hers, their fingers automatically twining. But he didn't say anything either. I listened as the drivers' door slammed and Johnny started the car. We pulled away from the curb with a lurch, and I fell gently against Jason's side. "Sorry," I muttered before straightening.   
  
The partition lowered and I turned to smile at Johnny. "Can you take me to my studio?"   
  
"You're going to the penthouse."   
  
Finally, he spoke. I turned to glare at Jason. "I'm going to my studio."   
  
"Johnny, we're going to Harborview, we're not stopping on the way."   
  
"Jason–"  
  
He turned in the seat and shook his head. I couldn't figure out why he was mad. I got him out of jail, didn't I? None of this was making sense. "You're coming to the penthouse."   
  
"So I can stay with you and your wife?" I spit out. "I'd rather sleep in the sewer."   
  
"Elizabeth," he said through clenched teeth. "We'll talk about this when we get to the penthouse."   
  
"No!" I yelled. I watched as Sonny flinched, but he didn't say anything. "We'll talk about this now. Why the hell can't you just be grateful?"   
  
"You lied."   
  
"I got you out of jail!" I rubbed my forehead against my palm and sighed deeply. I tried counting to ten, hoping the anger inside of me would stop. "You were content to sit in jail for something you didn't do! I knew I could get you out, so I did."   
  
"How do you know I didn't do it?" he asked. "How do you know I didn't put a bullet between Luis Alcazar's eyes like Taggert was saying?"   
  
My eyes widened, but other than that I didn't let him shock me. I knew he was trying to disgust me. He was trying to make me hate him. "Jason…I don't care if you did."   
  
"How can you say that?"   
  
"You know I don't believe you, Jason. And I know you didn't kill him."   
  
"How do you know?"   
  
"Because I do," I replied stubbornly. Why couldn't he understand that I had faith in him? Why couldn't he understand that I knew he wasn't a cold-blooded killer? He wasn't this person he wanted to convince me he was. "You can try all you want, but I'm not leaving. You're not pushing me out of your life."   
  
"I don't want you in it!" he shouted.   
  
"Fine," I muttered. I wrapped the black wool coat around me tighter and moved towards the door. I crossed my arms over my chest and glared out the window.   
  
"Jason," Carly whispered. "You don't mean that."   
  
He didn't say anything. Jason sat there and glared at his wrists, picking at the blood from the handcuffs. Of course he didn't mean it. But if it got Elizabeth out of this, he'd let her think he meant it.   
  
"Carly," I said calmly. "Don't." I wiped the tears from my cheeks and looked up at Sonny. "Will you tell Johnny to take me to my studio after he drops you off?"   
  
"She's going to the penthouse."  
  
I wanted to kick him. "You don't tell me what to do."   
  
"Sonny–" Jason began.  
  
"Talk to me, Jason," I pleaded. "Not Sonny." I pressed a hand to my chest and looked at him. "Me."   
  
"I don't have anything to say."   
  
The car stopped, at a traffic light I assumed. His words hurt. They cut deep into my soul, leaving wounds he'd never know about. "Fine." I reached for the handle and pulled roughly. "I'll be at my studio. Carly, please tell Lieutinent Taggert that's where I am."   
  
"Damnit Elizabeth!" Jason yelled.   
  
I ignored him and slammed the door. I'd walk home if I had to. There was no way I was letting Jason Morgan or anyone else berate me for helping out a friend.   
  
"Johnny! Stop the car!" Sonny yelled. He glared at Jason. "You need to pull the stick out of your ass and go after her."   
  
"I'm not," Jason refused. "She had no business doing what she did. She's going to be the one who pays for it, Sonny."   
  
"What did she do?" Carly asked. "From where I was sitting, she got you out of jail."   
  
Jason pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Carly, you don't know anything about what's going on."   
  
"I don't need to," the blonde whispered fiercely. "I'm the last person to sing the praises of Lizzie Webber, but I know she cares about you! I know she did something no one else would."   
  
"Carly–"  
  
"Shut up, Sonny."   
  
The blonde reached for her door handle and yanked on it. "I'm going after her." She slid outside into the snow and slammed the door.   
  
Sonny rolled the window and glared at her. "Get back in the car, Carly."   
  
"No."   
  
"Damnit Carly!"   
  
"Don't yell at her!" Jason shouted. "Carly get in the car." He opened his own door and stepped outside. "I'll go find her."   
  
He kicked the snow in anger as he walked. She wasn't supposed to do this. Elizabeth was supposed to let him sit in jail. She was supposed to leave him alone. Because that way he was safe. And if he was safe, she was safe.  
  
Turning a corner, Jason sighed when he saw her on the stone step. God, it was cold. She was huddled inside of her coat, her teeth chattering. He could tell she was crying  
  
I'd made it far enough away so I couldn't see the limo, but could still hear their yelling. "Go away," I whispered.   
  
"Come back with me?" Jason asked.   
  
I shook my head. There was no way. "I can't."   
  
"Elizabeth–"   
  
"Jason, why're you here? You told me that I don't mean anything to you."   
  
"Honey," he whispered. "We need to talk, but not out here. C'mon, you're freezing. Let's go to the penthouse."   
  
I nodded mutely and stood. He was right, it was freezing. While I didn't want to go to the penthouse, I also didn't want to argue anymore. He let me climb into the car first, then sat beside me, his thigh pressed against mine. "Sorry," I muttered and moved towards the door.   
  
"Elizabeth," Jason began. "I'm… I'm not mad at you. I'm mad that you did something so stupid to help me."   
  
"You mean kind of like you going to Taggert for help?" I asked. "Or maybe going into a burning building after Sonny? Or taking a bullet? Like those stupid things you've done?"   
  
He gently took my hand, but I couldn't really feel it. My hands were so cold I couldn't feel my fingers. "That's my job, Elizabeth. That's who I am."   
  
"It's not."   
  
"It is," Jason insisted. "You knew that, Elizabeth. I told you this would happen… I told you one day you would see me for what I am, and you're face would change. I told you that you would leave."   
  
"So this is my fault?" I scoffed. I couldn't believe him! "You screw up, you lie to me, and it's my fault!?!"   
  
"Elizabeth–"  
  
"Shut the hell up."   
  
"Elizabeth," Sonny began. "I think what Jason's trying to say–"  
  
"You shut up too!" I yelled.   
  
The admiration that had started growing for Elizabeth at the police department was steadily increasing, Carly realized. She was a spitfire and she loved that Elizabeth wouldn't let Jason or Sonny tell her what to do or how to think. "She's right," Carly admitted.   
  
"I am?" I asked.   
  
Carly nodded, smiling at Jason and Sonny. "Jase, you're an idiot."   
  
He had a headache. His wrist hurt. And he hadn't slept in a real bed for three nights. "Excuse me?"   
  
"You're an idiot," Carly repeated. "A friggin' moron. Just say thank you."   
  
"I don't want his damn gratitude," I snapped. "I just wanna go home."   
  
"That's where we're going. Home to where you belong."   
  
"My home," I clarified. "My stuffy little studio."   
  
"No, home where you belong. The penthouse level of Sonny's building."   
  
"Carly–" Sonny began.  
  
"Shut up," we both ordered.   
  
"I'm not going back there," I continued. "Not when he wants someone else there."   
  
Jason narrowed his eyes. "What're you talking about?"   
  
"Don't you want Malibu Barbie, Jason? Or is there another woman you've kissed in the rain I don't know about?"   
  
"Malibu Barbie?" Sonny questioned. He glared at Jason. "You kissed Courtney?"   
  
"She kissed me!" he yelled. "And how'd you know about that?"   
  
"Ooooh," I feigned. "How'd I know? Not I'm sorry, not it was a mistake. But how did you know? Well, Jason, she told me! Big shocker there. Since Courtney has decided we should be the bestest of friends. She told me the day after she told me you married Brenda, which is something she blamed on me! Did you know you getting married was because of me, Jason? And here I thought it was for Sonny or Carly!"  
  
"She what?"   
  
"Yeah," I snapped. "It's my fault you married Brenda. Because I decided to have friends. Did you know that?"   
  
"Elizabeth–"  
  
"Back up," Sonny interrupted. "When did you kiss my sister?"   
  
"Oh shut up," Carly complained. She crossed her arms over her chest and glared out into the night. "Like you, mister I tripped and fell in bed with Alexis, can say anything about who Jason kisses."   
  
I couldn't help it, I laughed. Carly was hilarious. "You slept with Alexis?"   
  
Sonny shifted uncomfortably, wanting them to all drop the subject. "That's not important. What's important is that Jason kissed Courtney."   
  
"Wait," I stopped him. "Does this mean…?"   
  
"Does it mean what?" Sonny snapped.  
  
"Don't snap at her!" Jason yelled. "And do I have to say it again? Courtney kissed me!"  
  
"Are you the father of Alexis' baby?" I asked bluntly.   
  
"Yes, he is," Carly answered. "Anymore family secrets we should share tonight? Hell, we're not even back to the penthouse yet… Hey, maybe we should ask Johnny if he has anything he wants to tell us."   
  
"Carly," Sonny warned. "Drop it."   
  
I shook my head at the married couple. They were two of the most dysfunctional people I knew. "Anyway, the point is, I don't matter to Jason. You two do, Courtney does, and Brenda does but not me."   
  
He needed a drink. Hell, he needed an entire bottle of scotch. "Elizabeth…" Jason sighed. "You know that's not true."   
  
"Isn't it?" I retorted.   
  
"You left me!" he shouted.  
  
"Hey," Sonny interrupted. "You don't get to yell at her either."   
  
"Shut up, Sonny. You're the reason I left him."   
  
"What?"   
  
"That stupid lie. Oh, by the way, I'm not dead. Yeah… that one." I hadn't meant for all of this to come out. Not now. Not ever. But I couldn't stop the words. They just fell out of my, laced with acid and sarcasm. I really didn't care who I hurt anymore. As long as someone hurt as much as I did.  
  
"Elizabeth…" Carly began. "I–I…"   
  
"I know," I broke in. "You wanted to tell me. Betcha had a lot of fun laughing about Lizzie with Sonny and Jason. You were probably yucking it up."   
  
"That's not true," Carly answered. She was offended. Did Elizabeth really think that little of her? "Elizabeth… Jason wanted to tell you. He begged Sonny to let him tell you."   
  
"But I said no," Sonny told her. "I didn't understand why you needed to know. It was dangerous, Elizabeth."   
  
"Oooh, it was dangerous," I mocked him. "Drop it, Sonny. I'm not mad because he lied, I'm mad because he stayed away for days. I'm mad because he let me worry about him when nothing was wrong. Because he would spend nights with Courtney, protecting her, while the nameless guard on the door was fine for me. I'm mad because he didn't try."   
  
"Elizabeth," Jason sighed. So this was it… this was the truth. The tears in her eyes cut straight through him, leaving him empty. They were really over.   
  
The car stopped in the garage and he jerked on the door handle. Not waiting for anyone else, Jason took off running towards the stairs. He was already up one flight when Sonny, Carly, and I were out of the limo.  
  
I shook my head and sighed. "I'll go talk to him."


End file.
